We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My partner is very kind and has a need to feel helpful, but sometimes it’s just too much. I lovingly joke to him that he is one of the characters in the Progressive commercial where young homeowners become their parents.
When we are out (we are both very social people), he regularly inserts himself into other conversations or steps in when not asked. In the last week, he gave food recommendations to the couple at the table next to us at dinner, brought over a water bowl to another couple at a restaurant because he thought their dog was thirsty, and grabbed his own to-go box so as to not make the server do it.
I love that he is kind and always looking to be helpful to others, and most people are appreciative. However, I also see people get annoyed with him because he’s doing things he wasn’t asked to do or providing unsolicited advice. It comes from a well-meaning place, but it can also be embarrassing when I can tell the person would like to be done with the conversation, and he isn’t reading the room.
Am I just being too critical of someone who is just trying to be kind? Getting out and socializing is his happy place, and I don’t want to rain on his parade, but I also don’t want to feel like he is infringing on others.
— Too Friendly?
Too Friendly?: When kindness is this excessive, it’s most likely serving some deep (and insatiable?) need to feel valued and useful. It’s a tough conversation to have, but, with compassion, ask your husband: Has he ever asked himself where this perpetual need comes from? Is he willing to recognize there might be a disconnect between what he desires to give and what others desire to receive?
Perhaps challenge him to think twice, and act only if his desire to help would make a substantial qualitative difference to a situation. If he could start to learn to preserve and prioritize the dispensing of his great goodwill, he might experience even more profound gratitude.
— Londonland
Too Friendly?: Maybe you would never engage with others the way your husband does, but it’s likely that some percentage of these situations are positive interactions. It sounds like you don’t want to shut him down, but you would like him to be more sensitive to when his behavior is appropriate and when it’s not.
Talk to him about it! Say what you’ve said here: You love his kindness and desire to help others, but sometimes you can see reactions that he isn’t picking up on. No judgment, just observations. He may simply be bad at reading others, so ask him if he’d like you to signal him in some way when it’s time to disengage.
— Signals
Too Friendly?: I think this guy’s problem isn’t kindness at all; it’s an oversize ego that clouds any healthy sense of boundaries. I’d cringe, too, if someone in my company inserted himself in the lives of others, uninvited. The “kindness” angle is a distraction from the core unkindness of not allowing others their own space in order for him to act on his own selfish needs.
I suggest you point out to him that, by making you and others uncomfortable, it is inherently unkind, especially to you as a bystander. How do I come to these conclusions? I have been that guy.
— Lwoodsky
Too Friendly?: My daughter came up with the best solution: Imagine it’s a reality show. This works surprisingly well to help me maintain a sense of humor when I’d otherwise shrivel up and die — like the time Mom spent 10 minutes and enlisted the help of others to communicate to a woman who didn’t speak English that her sari matched a painting in the museum.
