Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My partner and I are expecting our first child in a few months. We are on the same page about most of the big aspects of child rearing but have a couple of minor disagreements. One that’s not so minor is about what the child will call us.
My partner calls his parents by their first names, which was a decision made decades ago in the spirit of egalitarianism. I call my parents Mom and Dad. I understand the philosophy that went into my in-laws’ choice, but I don’t especially agree with it and don’t really want to continue that custom. This seems like an area where it won’t work for each of us to do it our own way, i.e., calling us “Mom and Ben” (seems more confusing than anything else). So what do we do?
— “Mom and Ben”
“Mom and Ben”: I actually like Mom and Ben. Why not? Seems to me that if “confusing” is an issue, then we’re all living in the wrong millennium.
Plus, like so many of these parental things you decide in advance, reality will come in with its vote, which has a way of wiping out certainties that you can only hope someday to laugh about. Reality’s changes are often upgrades, too, because they’re collaborative in ways that preconceived notions can never be.
Not to say you’re wrong to talk about it — that part’s good, especially if this is the tip of a major-philosophical-disagreementberg. In fact, the more I think about it, the more urgent it feels that authoritative-you and laid-back Ben work out a general approach for when your parenting styles clash.
Just understand that any parenting plans you make ahead of time are more like an opening gambit with life than a last word. And kids can roll happily along with parents of different styles, but not when the parents themselves can’t.
READERS’ thoughts:
∙ Our oldest insisted on calling me “Ben” for the first four years of his life, including saying things like, “my Ben told me to come home now,” etc. My wife hated this, but she did not interfere. By 5, he decided to call me “Dad.” You may think you’re deciding this, but like many other things in life, your kids are the ones who make the decisions.
∙ When my niece and nephew were in elementary school, they tried to call me by my first name, no “Aunt.” I quietly told them they were the only people in the world who could call me “Aunt [Name],” and that gave them special powers. They were momentarily stunned and resumed calling me Aunt [Name]. Now in their 30s and parents themselves, they still call me that.
∙ If your real (underlying) concern is what strangers will think when they hear your child call you Mom and Ben, please dig into that, because that’s worth questioning the importance of that in relation to your husband’s preference to be called by his name.
∙ We always referred to ourselves as Mom and Dad, but, for whatever reason, our toddler child started calling us “Mommy Maria” and “Daddy Captain” after watching “The Sound of Music” and then transitioned to our names at some point, “Joe and Jane,” for a couple years, and then switched to “Mom and Dad.” It was weird for me to be “Mom” after all those years.
