Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I own a vacation cabin, which we have always encouraged my son and his wife to use on their own. This year, they were planning to visit us at the cabin for a week, then remain on their own for a week, which we were fine with. But recently, I learned that for the second week, they had invited my daughter-in-law’s parents to stay there as well.
I am not comfortable with this; I’ve only met these people once. This house has been in my family for generations, and I don’t want strangers in it when I’m not present (it’s too small for all of us to be there at the same time).
I told my son that he and his wife were still welcome, of course, but her parents would have to make hotel accommodations for the week. He replied that he and wife now wouldn’t visit at all: They’d come to see us last year, and they were due a visit to his wife’s family this year. Rather than ask her folks to stay in a hotel, they plan to skip us entirely and fly to her family’s home state instead.
Which one of us is being unreasonable? — Grinch-y?
Grinch-y?: Omg. You are, with confetti, party hats and an oompah band. Holy cats.
Do you have any grasp at all of how deeply you just insulted your daughter-in-law, her parents and your son by extension? The only way I can even imagine your getting out of this with your primary relationships intact is for you to call your son immediately, say you don’t know what came over you, you utterly lost your mind, and of course her family is welcome to stay in the cabin.
You just declared your son’s extended family — his family — as untrustworthy strangers. They’re strangers to you, not to him.
I’m shaking my head so hard I might be concussed.
Dear Carolyn: Although I have a loving relationship with my adult kids, who live far away, it hurts me that I never receive gifts or even a card on my birthday or Mother’s Day. They call me, and they think that’s enough. Meanwhile, I faithfully acknowledge their birthdays and their partners’ with either a gift or a card and cash, and if we’re together, their dad and I always treat to a celebratory meal out. This year was my 65th birthday, and again all I got was phone calls. Is it time for me to stop sending them and their partners gifts? — Hurt
Hurt: Sure. Not to be punitive, though, which makes nothing better. Stop because they may not value gifts the way you do, which would explain why they don’t give them for your special days. Meaning, maybe you’re giving them what you want and they’re giving you what they want. Pretty common, and easily solved by empathy.
Talk to them about it first, before you make any big changes. “Would you rather I stop sending gifts? It’s how I was raised to handle special days, and I love to get gifts and cards myself, but things seem to be changing.” More listening, less defensiveness, better connections.
And: Please value those currently undervalued phone calls, which are more precious than anything your kids can make happen with $6 at Target and a postage stamp. Don’t take my word for it, though; ask around, see how many people’s families don’t talk, don’t mark special days, don’t bother calling at all. I’ve got decades of mail on family estrangements. Your kids call. Good for them. Good for you.
