Dear Carolyn: I usually go to my partner’s sibling’s home for the holidays. I have noticed at the end of the meal, the men sit around and only the women are cleaning. My partner says it’s because when they offer to help, she is too particular or gets annoyed when they do something wrong. But somehow, it always ends up that I am taking people’s plates away and the two of us are in the kitchen cleaning!
I don’t want to leave her in the lurch, but the dynamic really grinds my gears. Since it’s not my household, should I even try to help fix this? If so, how?
— So Gendered
So Gendered: You get more annoyed when they do nothing. So you could mention that.
Or point out your perfected table-clearing technique and say you’ll train him.
Or have your learned helplessness and his weaponized incompetence trade recipes.
Pick one and, yes, fix this, because it’s her household but your marriage. And please note the absence of “try to”: You call nope on BS excuses, always. On the spot the first time is ideal, but next time is better than never.
BS = blatantly self-serving, obv. But I should also note that any advantage “the men” gain for themselves by making excuses or exploiting loopholes in social conditioning is short-term and shortsighted. The gear grinding, the acid of his comfort with watching you work while he sits, the accruing weight of the anger — each one rubs, burns, wears away the joy between the two of you till there’s nothing left. And dealing with that is a lot more difficult, please tell him, than getting equitably off his butt.
Dear Carolyn: My partner and I are just two months away from getting married, and what should be one of the happiest times of our lives is being overshadowed by the strained relationship between my partner and her father.
We’re a lesbian couple, and he still hasn’t accepted his daughter for who she is. In the 11 years we’ve been together, I’ve never even met him.
As the wedding approaches, he remains in denial and is refusing to attend, saying he “doesn’t want to see his daughter’s life ruined.” If anyone in my life said something like that to me, then I would have cut ties immediately. I’m struggling to understand how my future wife still wants to maintain a relationship with her father when he pretends I don’t exist.
I want to be supportive, but I’m hurting, and I’m worried about how this dynamic will affect our marriage moving forward. How do I support my future wife when every time I bring up the situation with her father, she shuts down?
— Hurting
Hurting: How ’bout I just say it for you: If he doesn’t want to see his daughter’s life ruined, then maybe he ought to stop ruining it.
Ta-da.
Too bad that doesn’t solve your problem.
