Adapted from online discussions, here and here.
Dear Carolyn: I moved into my boyfriend’s house last week. We’ve been together over four years. I might have moved in sooner, but he bought the house a while ago, and I was worried he’d always think of it as his house, not our house.
I was right. Within the first week, I was told about leaving windows open when no one is home, leaving the microwave plugged in when not in use, only locking one door lock when I leave the house, etc. With this last one, I was curious and asked about it, and he became defensive.
He isn’t normally controlling, defensive or argumentative, and I know it’s an adjustment for him to have me (and my dog) here. But I’m an adult, and I’m not going to live by someone else’s rules, even if it’s technically his house (I’m paying half). Do I just need to give it more time or is this already a red flag that moving in was a mistake?
— His House, His Rules
His House, His Rules: I’m just spitballin’ here, based on what you gave me. And what you gave me is, “I suspected it would happen, then I moved in with it and it happened.”
So okay: Maybe, even though your gut was warning you all along about bad signs, it also told you when you finally felt ready to stand up for yourself.
All I can do for you now is remind you to manage your part with courage and according to your principles. Up front. Don’t wait till a supervising and correcting precedent gets (any more) set.
So, for example: “This is my home, too, now. I am an adult. Can we agree on a few basic, mutual standards and practices, as equals, with a little forgiveness built in? Because I believe that’s the living environment we both deserve at our stage of life. Not supervision and corrections.” If he disagrees, then you want him to say so now, out loud, to give you the opportunity to respond.
Don’t agree to anything you’ll come to resent, and move back out if you must. Expensive, but nothing costs as much as misery. Not even building half his equity for him.
Dear Carolyn: One of the women in my group of 60-plus-year-old friends drinks a lot and always wants to drive us to events. I make excuses (“I might need to leave early”), although once I told her she drives too fast and I wasn’t comfortable. The rest go with her but everyone, EVERYONE is too afraid to name the drinking and driving. She’s mercurial and often gets mad and doesn’t speak to the gang for a month.
Why are we so lame? How can we confront the issue without losing a friend?
— Too Afraid
Too Afraid: Lose the friend!!! Or be willing to, for fox’s sake, out of sheer moral obviousness. For the sake of all of us on the road with this maniac.
You all want this to stop. Therefore, if one of you can’t defy her out loud — and feel that after-surge of pride, finally — then you can all agree beforehand on having Friend A drive this time, then follow through. The drinker can fulminate all she wants but can’t force you into her car. Next time, you predesignate Friend B as driver. And so on.
