The families that we are born into is luck of the draw. We have nothing to do with it.
Some of us are born into families that are financially stable, everyone’s personalities mesh pretty well, and the degree of stress and conflict are nearly non-existent. I call those the “noodle salad families.” They are the families that you imagine sitting in a park on a checkered blanket, eating sandwiches and noodle salad and chatting up a storm with each other.
Sometimes “noodle salad families” have hidden stresses. Maybe one or both of the parents drink or abuse prescription medications. Maybe one has a gambling problem. Or someone in the family has mental health issues. Or one of the kids has a learning disability. But as a “noodle salad family” they keep such things behind closed doors, never mentioning them.
Some of us are born into hard working families that are not quite financially stable. Maybe the parents married young and didn’t go to college. Maybe they both started working before they started a family and their family is the most important thing to them. I call these families the “Chinese take-out” families. This is the family that you can imagine asks a stranger to take a photo of them while they stand in front of the Grand Canyon. They drive good but not great cars, their houses are modest and they wouldn’t have it any other way. They save up so they can take the family on a vacation and everyone gets along pretty well.
Sometimes “Chinese take-out” families have hidden stresses. Maybe one parent doesn’t like his job as much as he feels like he should. Maybe mom is pressured to work more hours than she would like. Maybe the demands of the children participating in every activity puts financial pressures on the parents that cause conflict. Maybe one of the kids has a learning disability. Maybe the dad stops off and has a beer with his friends after work. Maybe the mom has a bottle of Xanax in the cabinet. They will sometimes discuss their issues with other “Chinese take-out” families, knowing that these families have some of the same issues.
Some of us are born into families that have nothing. There is not the assurance of food on the table every night. There is a free lunch card and a bag of food to take home for the weekend for the kids. Moms and dads have low-paying jobs, sometimes two jobs each, but even when combined there’s not enough to give the family stability. I call these families the “8 days until my Vision card renews” families. These are the families that you imagine standing in line at the food pantry, kids with droopy diapers and runny noses.
Usually the car is broken down or barely running and in need of repair. The parents switch jobs a lot, hoping for better times at a different place. There is a lot of walking involved. The parents are stressed about food, rent, and utilities, and so they may argue about these issues. These are the families where the dad and mom scrounge some change with the neighbors, who are also poor, and sit on the porch and split a six pack while they watch the kids play. They talk about their troubles with each other. Sometimes they abuse drugs. Sometimes one of the children has a learning disability. Their children are a priority and there is a lot of worrying about one of them getting ill. Illness means a loss of wages, which means more stress.
So what are the real differences between these families? Money. Paper. A piece of paper that has been assigned a value. None of it has anything to do with the actual individuals. In every family, there are problems. Sometimes someone drinks, someone argues, someone takes medication, someone has difficulty in learning.
We need to ask ourselves why one group of these families is singled out as less than. Really, take the time to think about that. No one asked to be born into a generationally poor family. No one wakes up in the morning, throws back the covers with enthusiasm and says “Hot dog! I get to be poor again today!”
Some people get out of poverty. Some have a person who leads them out. Some have an inner determination and drive that takes them there. Sometimes it is just sheer luck. But then they become one of the other families, with the same problems and the same stresses, except now they have paper. Green paper.
Remember when you are looking to your left and to your right at the grocery store, or the farmer’s market, or at the school not to define others by what they have or don’t have. In fact, it is not our job to define others at all. Our job is to be kind. Everyone of us, “the noodle salads,” the “Chinese take-outs,” and the “8 days until my vision card renews.” We all have dreams, and hopes and in our own way ambitions. We all tell ourselves whatever we have to to get through rough times. We are all taking this journey through life. So let’s do it kindly and with compassion. Open your eyes and let your heart follow. Kindness matters!
Regardless of station in life, kindness matters
