I have a cousin whose 20-year marriage has been difficult for 19 years, give or take. MY COUSIN spends a lot of time thinking about her marriage, hence the therapy, and the many workarounds they both do to stay together for the children.
They are now into their third week of couples’ therapy.
Years ago, they tried professional help briefly, but small children, work schedules, and a general reluctance to take on a third opinion gave way to making do, once more.
They still have children at home, now in high school, but the marriage is on a downhill trajectory, the tension thick enough to cut with a knife.
I must admit the therapist has his work cut out for him.
Most couples don’t seek help until many years of discord, on average six years. Therapists liken the accrued damage to a relationship as to a physical injury. Break a leg, and immediate repair has a high rate of success. Hobble around for six years, and a full recovery is near to impossible and has likely caused damage to other parts of the body.
The therapist’s first assignment for my cousin and her husband is for them to talk to each other in a civil tone, minus the rancor, insinuation, and derisiveness that can creep into one’s voice when unhappy.
A snappish tone dooms a discussion from the get-go.
Both want the marriage to get to a better place and in peaceful times seem to genuinely enjoy the other’s company.
But things can get messy, fast.
Uneven workloads build resentment.
Different temperaments lead to misunderstandings. One sees the glass as half full, the other half empty.
When frustrated, my cousin is quick to get things off her chest, while he retreats.
One is openly affectionate, the other reserved.
And though they recognize and can accept these differences, they tend to magnify when things get tough.
That her marriage isn’t “storybook” is a small price to pay for the benefits it accrues not only to their children but also to them as a couple in the community as well as household finances.
She also believes her marriage doesn’t validate who she is and gets much joy and rewards from a good career.
Her goal is to improve the marriage so it is “tolerable” until the children graduate from high school and move out on their own. If therapy helps improve it to the point she and her husband would rather be together than apart, so much the better.
Her view of marriage isn’t that different from cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, although I grant you that’s not what she had in mind when she said “I do.” Research shows oftentimes marriages of convenience turn into true compatibility.
Typically, I used to try to talk my cousin out of her marriage.
Now, I try to be more sensitive to her point of view and realize I can be of better help by keeping in touch and giving her my support, whatever her decision.
— Susan Lynn
