Tell Me About It
Dear Carolyn: Hello! Any suggestions for avoiding the ever-fun When are you going to get pregnant? questions? Husband and I are actually trying, havent been as successful as quickly as wed like, and had some hard times a really really really early miscarriage, not even comparable to many women, I know, but it still hurts. Talking about it is stressful and painful and not fun.
Were at that stage when we should be having kids according to my in-laws; we have a house, have been married for a number of years, have steady jobs, etc. We told them once to stop asking because of the reasons listed above, but they insist they want to be there for us on this journey … and their form of being there just makes things worse.
My mom had a really hard time getting pregnant, so shes super sympathetic, doesnt push, but lends an ear when I ask. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, talks about how much easier it wouldve been if we started trying years ago, how she got pregnant SO QUICKLY with her two sons because she started in her early 20s, etc. I dont want to and dont need to hear any of that, so Ive actually gotten up and walked away when shes continued on despite my asking her to change the topic.
Problem is, with a holiday coming up, Ill have her AND all her family backing her up, and Im pretty sure its rude to stand up and walk out on a big family dinner. Any suggestions on how to shut this down before it even starts? Avoiding Pregnancy Questions
Answer: No, its not rude to stand up and walk out of any dinner in response to being grilled on a topic youve already asked people to drop. Its completely appropriate.
When they insist they want to be there for us on this journey, its also perfectly within the bounds of good manners to respond: The best way to be there on this journey is to respect our request not to keep asking about it. When there is something to share, we will share it.
If you get pushback/ resistance: Pushing this will make you a difficult part of our journey, not a joyous one. Please respect our position.
Pushing you is rude. Responding civilly to being pushed is not rude.
I hope your husband agrees to be the one to convey this message. To leave it to you to be the messenger will invite his mother to treat you as the problem, which for obvious reasons is so unfair to you. Your mother-in-law is the problem right now; if your husband wont draw a line with her to protect you, then he becomes part of the problem. Given that you already have an emotional weight on you Im sorry I hope he sees that and intervenes accordingly.
By the way, I answered your question as a bigger-situation-in-progress, but please know that with first-time questioners about having kids, its appropriate (and arguably long overdue) to say, I know you mean well, but for many people that is a painful question.
Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I are on a tight budget, so when there is a non-holiday event on my side of the family, I usually travel solo. Some family members usually ask where he is, and I tell them the truth he had to work (which I feel is all the information they need).
Recently, I traveled to a party for one of these family members, and I was met with little comments: Wheres your husband? Oh, I guess well never see him, etc. This really bothered me since it is a sacrifice for either him or me to travel. I dont feel like I should have to explain my finances, however, I felt really judged by them.
Do you have any advice on how to shut this down? I love my family but at this point I dont want to visit. Bothered
Answer: Maybe their tone-deaf comments have soured you too much on these family members, but if not, then you could genuinely say: Youd see him if you came to visit us! Wed both love that.
Otherwise: I wish you knew how badly he wanted to be here.
