All you need is love … except when it stinks.
That’s why it’s important this Valentine’s Day to take a moment to reflect on the health of our relationships, and to consider the advice of trained mental health professionals.
Antigone Means is a clinical psychologist at the Southeast Kansas Mental Health Center who has been helping people tend to their psychological welfare and love lives for 20 years.
“Relationships are very hard work,” she said, but it is work that can be done nonetheless.
Healthy relationships begin with strong communication, and a foundation of trust cultivated in actual friendship (rather than just attraction).
“Obviously communication is one of the biggest things that can quickly become a problem in marriage and relationships,” Means said. That’s especially the case because poor communication can make other issues worse as well, from finances to childcare.
We learn communication habits early in life, and oftentimes our partners don’t use the same strategies for communicating love that we do. One family may share affection via physical touch, whereas another may give verbal praise.
If we don’t consider the love-languages of others, “something may be perfectly clear in our head, but it’s absolutely not clear to our partner.”
That’s when people say things like “you act like you don’t love me,” when in fact, they’re simply not receiving love in a form that they’re used to.
As Means explained, “the partner who needs to hear ‘I love you’ frequently may feel disappointed and unloved, even though the other person is thinking ‘I’m dedicating my life to loving you.’”
Along similar lines, Means recommended the book “Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders” by Willard Harley, which discusses patterns surrounding commitment.
As you can guess from the title, he analogizes being in a relationship to buying a house, and argues, even if not consciously, most people fit into one of three categories regarding how much work they’re willing to devote to another person over time.
According to Means, “Harley’s conclusion was basically everybody wants a level-10 relationship, but most of us only have about level-five communication skills.” And we aren’t very good at realizing what kind of relationship we’re prepared for at a given time.
Do we want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship? A casual, polyamorous one? A full-blown marriage? Which level of commitment are we capable of during certain periods in our lives and why?
Knowing what level of commitment you’re actually committed to can save a lot of heartache.
