Domestic violence isn?t just blood and bruises. It?s also a pattern of coercive and controlling behavior.
It?s the husband who keeps track of the mileage on his wife?s car.
It?s abusive behavior such as telling someone they?re crazy, over-reactive, or mistaken.
It?s refusing to share information about the family?s budget or bank accounts, or preventing a spouse from getting or keeping a job.
It?s someone with a substance abuse problem who gets a partner hooked so he can control her supply and keep her dependant.
It?s a spouse who repeatedly threatens to take the children away.
It?s a threat to kill a beloved pet.
It?s forcing sex.
It?s a child or caregiver who steals medication from an elderly parent or refuses to take them to a doctor?s appointment.
ABOUT one in three adult women have experienced physical assault by an intimate partner, according to statistics provided by Donita Garner, child advocacy center coordinator of Hope Unlimited.
Garner and Michelle Meiwes, Youth Advocate Mentor program director, spoke about domestic and sexual violence at a Lunch and Learn event Friday at Allen County Regional Hospital. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; it?s a good time to talk about the different ways abuse happens and remind victims and their families and friends of the resources to help someone escape an abusive situation, Garner said.
?Everyone knows somebody who has experienced domestic violence,? Garner said. ?Domestic violence crosses all ages and backgrounds, from wealthy families to poor. We want to make sure we have all the resources to address that.?
Hope Unlimited began in 1984 and provides a variety of services including an emergency shelter, crisis intervention, outreach services, and a child visitation and child advocacy center.
Staff and volunteers are trained to provide non-judgmental support. That isn?t always easy to do, Meiwes said in response to a question from an audience member who wanted to know how she could help a friend who refuses to leave an abusive partner.
?There are a lot of reasons people don?t leave or go back. It?s not my job to judge. I have no idea what they?ve been through. I don?t live in their head or their house,? she said. ?All you can do is be there, be supportive and pretty much hope to goodness they get out and get away before something irreversible happens.?
?You?ve given her the resources,? Garner added.
It takes an average of seven attempts before a victim leaves her abuser for good, Garner said. It?s not unusual for Hope Unlimited staff to see someone come for help, go back to the abusive relationship and end up back at the shelter.
?We tell people not to get frustrated and disappointed,? Garner said. ?Every time they come through the door, they?re getting a tool for their toolbox. They?re getting a plan, or a way to make money or hide money.
