Dear Carolyn: I have a very high-stress job and a disabled husband and mother.
I also have a friend who makes fun of my cellphone use whenever we are together. Yes, I do check my phones every 10 minutes, but Im always worried somebody might need me.
Also, whenever I show her pictures, she says shes not interested and keeps telling me to put the phone away and live in reality.
I cant relax if I dont have my phones on me. Her lifestyle is very laid-back, so she doesnt understand the pressure Im under. This friend is very helpful to me and I dont want to lose her. Any suggestions? Cant Hang Up
Dear Cant: I wont endorse the virtue-bullying. Your friend has made her point, and her only decent option now is to decide what shell put up with, and then hold that line. The harping whenever we are together is just obnoxious.
All of which I will cover if she ever writes to me.
In the meantime, for you: Your phone-checking is rude. And your friend is right about living in reality not in spite of, because of your high-stress responsibilities.
Dont tune out the message just because the messenger crossed a line. Like Im doing with this unsolicited advice.
You will not remain a good employee or caregiver if you burn out, and you will burn out if the only mental freedom you allow yourself is in 10-minute increments. Can you even feel freedom when youre measuring it with the sweep of a second hand, for constant fear of calamity?
I dont have to know you to be certain your standard of 100% accessibility is unsustainable.
We need rest. All of us. We think better with it, we problem-solve better, we perform better; we care more deeply with it, we connect better, we feel better about ourselves.
You have significant responsibilities, I wont minimize that, nor will I discount the comfort you take in feeling prepared to meet them.
I am simply, urgently suggesting that you write a new, more carefully thought-out definition of prepared.
Choose your times, for example, when you have to be available when the difference between being inaccessible for 10 minutes or 60 minutes is life or death, employed or fired, 911 wont suffice. That stark.
