Dear Carolyn: My daughter, 17, has a boyfriend in her class. They’ve been together for about a year. He is a very nice kid, and I think in some ways they are good for each other. Yet my daughter, who is a very feeling and open person, tells me daily about all their relationship issues: miscommunications, her feelings of rejection when he pulls away from her, her feelings of guilt when she pulls away from him, personality clashes between him and her girlfriends . . . the list goes on.
She also talks about all the work she does to stay with him even when it’s hard. She seems to feel there is something inherently noble or virtuous in staying in a difficult relationship.
If they were much older and married or had kids, I would agree with that, but I don’t see much value in a teenage relationship that isn’t lots of fun. She often asks me to listen or advise about her relationship. I don’t want to belittle her or the relationship. How do I advise?
Listener: You’ve got all the right ideas, it sounds like, and just need to air them strategically: “You seem to feel there is something inherently noble or virtuous in staying in a difficult relationship. Fair?” Then listen.
You can also ask: “What if you’re just not well suited to each other? Can’t a really great person still not be great for you?”
Your job is mostly to listen, but it’s okay to nudge her understanding along with open-ended questions. High school relationships can be so emotionally instructive that it’s best not to impose yourself too strongly on their inner workings. Again — listen, ask deeper-thought-prompting questions when she gives you room to, set good examples at home and let her figure herself out.
A relationship that’s dangerously unhealthy, though, warrants more forceful involvement.
Hi, Carolyn: I’m scared to tell my mother I want to start therapy. I worked with a therapist briefly when I was 15 (I’m 18 now and still living at home) because my depression spiraled to the point where I was suicidal. I stopped for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that my mother tended to use it as a weapon against me — say, when I couldn’t even get out of bed, making snappish remarks about how my therapist would want me to try harder to do housework. I quit therapy, slowly got worse and genuinely did not think I would survive. But I did! And I’m going to college in the fall!
I’m in a much better place now, but I want to thrive, not just get by. You’ve advised people to let their loved ones help them with calls/appointments/etc., but I’m terrified of repeating what happened when I was 15. Thoughts? — Secretive
Secretive: Good for you for getting yourself to this point.
Is there a friend who can help you make calls? Favorite teacher? Aunt or uncle? Identifying your “people” is a big part of staying healthy. You can also, presumably, just call your old therapist for advice. That puts the bar much lower for a first step.
So does college, generally — get a jump on it now, and see what your school offers. Take care.
