Dear Carolyn: Please help! My husband is depressed to the point that he is not functional, he is in treatment with medications and talking to his doctor. I am getting help so I can stay strong and give him all the support he needs.
Now the question is, what to do with the well-intentioned people who constantly advise me on what to do? Go on a trip, go for walks, sit on the deck, an endless list! I react to that advice with a mixture of sadness and anger so strong that I cannot even talk. I just feel like crying, because they have no idea what it is like. On a daily basis, he doesn’t even want to eat, drink or shower, and people advise me to go on a trip. Aghhh. And those people who want to know: Does he shower? I don’t even know what to say to them. I don’t know how to change my feelings toward those people.
— Caretaker Wife
Caretaker Wife: You’re dealing with a life-threatening illness for which a refusal to take part in getting well is actually one of the symptoms — so caregiving is a labor through frustration, dread, helplessness, exhaustion and fear of saying something wrong or not saying something right. You have more than enough to feel and more than enough to work on right now — please don’t add “change my feelings toward those people” to your chore list.
Since you are both in the care of professionals, you are ready and equipped to do this hard work, and that’s the most important thing.
So it’s okay for your goal in managing anything beyond this core responsibility to be the following: Make it easier. Whatever it is. Easy as possible.
And the easiest way to respond to people who find all the wrong words at all the wrong times is to have responses prepared in advance. Shrink the problem to one that a dozen words can dispatch. Such as: “I know you mean well, but suggestions aren’t helpful right now.” Or, softer: “Advice is tough, but I’ll gladly accept support.” Or, minimalist: “Interesting, thank you. [Change subject.]”
Invest a few minutes — at a quiet moment, when you feel up to it — in finding the words that reflect what you want to say in the tone you want to say it, and that invite as little pushback as possible. (But don’t worry what others will think. You’re simplifying here.)
Edit it down till it’s easy to say.
Rehearse it till it’s hard to forget.
Use it as long as you want to.
I hope the sun breaks through soon.
