Dear Carolyn: Ive recently moved in with my boyfriend, and a habit of his is really starting to bother me. He cant seem to understand that when I make a request, its not a demand that he drop everything and do that thing immediately.
Lets say hes slicing vegetables. If I ask him to pass me a spoon, hell get annoyed because Im asking him to do two things at once. Im not, I just want the spoon when hes done. Ive even taken to tacking when youre done onto every request, but he still immediately responds, Cant you see Im busy? It also happens if I mention something that needs to be done at some point (and not necessarily by him!). For example, I said I thought the front walk would need to be salted before we left for work. Cue snippy comment about how hell rush right out and do it in the dark.
When I explain, he seems to understand, but the next day hell go right back to doing this. What really worries me is that his dad is like this, only much worse. Hes a hothead, always angrily accusing his wife of nagging him, asking the impossible, etc. and hell ignore everything because I cant do 50 things at once. Is this the way my boyfriend is going to end up? Is there anything I can do?
Bothered
Bothered: Is this the way my boyfriend is going to end up? Apparently he already has. Cue snippy comment? Life is both too short and too long for that.
Is there anything I can do? You can thank cohabitation for doing its job and showing you exactly what life with your boyfriend is like, and you can act on this information based on what kind of life you hope to have.
I could note the mealiness of saying the front walk will need to be salted instead of just (a) salting it yourself or (b) asking him to, but that would only muddy the simple clarity of what youve presented here:
Youre not happy. Attempts to produce happiness seem effective, but then hell go right back to unhappiness-producing behavior.
What more information do you need?
Anonymous readers thoughts:
My boyfriend does this, The kitchen needs cleaning, etc. To me, it felt like a passive-aggressive way of asking me. To him, it meant adding it to the list of things to do. Once we sorted that out, there was a lot less misunderstanding and fighting. So now, when he notes something, I ask him how and when he sees him/me/us tackling it, and that has really helped.
The couples who make it work listen to their partner and work to change bad habits that negatively impact the relationship. If he wont or cant change, then thats the dealbreaker.
My husband is the same way. Ive realized its part of his ADD; his brain has trouble holding the idea of right now I am chopping vegetables and when I am done I need to hand over the spoon. Just in case that helps explain the boyfriend although, of course, he could react more kindly.
Bothered is now walking on eggshells, i.e., rewording requests to avoid snippiness. That right there is a red flag.
