Dear Carolyn: I have a lovely mother-in-law. She is an amazing grandmother and we can rely on her to do what she says she will do.
She can also be selfish and overstep boundaries, and this seems to be getting worse as she ages.
When I ask her questions like, does she want to do this or visit on this date, or when I try to establish a boundary gently, sometimes I get a look and a non-answer.
She hears me. My husband will do this too, but I can ask him for a verbal response, even if its, I need to think about that. Typically its when she doesnt want to do something or doesnt agree with me, but I am not sure because I cant read minds yet.
I dont expect her to agree or to say yes, but sometimes I do need an answer to continue planning.
I just feel its rude not to respond or say SOMETHING. I have said things like, What do you think? and I still get a non-answer. It feels like a control tactic to me. Suggestions? Blink Once for Yes, Twice for No
Dear Blink: You dont need to read her mind; you just need to guess at it. Nothing says you have to be right.
Ill take that as a no, or, Ill take that to mean you dont agree with me.
Then: Ill go ahead with X with X being whatever your preferred plan is that doesnt require her input so just let me know if you have something else in mind.
Done. That way you have an answer, if not the right answer, which allows you to continue planning and she has her opportunity to correct you by speaking up as she should have in the moment, if there was something she wanted to say. Be prepared to hold your ground as needed if, say, she speaks up too late in the planning process.
Plus, if these non-answers are in fact a control tactic (certainly sounds possible), then youll have foiled it utterly. Projecting her answer and then acting on it means your plans are no longer at her mercy.
Best of all, if cheerfully done, this tactic leaves the loveliness of your relationship intact. Think of it as a grand jete over an obstruction, as if its not even there.
Dear Carolyn: A friend of my sister-in-law has a daughter who is getting married soon. Sister-in-law was invited, my wife and I were not.
Now sister-in-laws plus-one cannot go. We saw the brides mom by chance in public and she invited my wife to be the plus-one.
I said to my wife that was a classless thing to do. Inviting a married woman to a wedding and not her husband?
