Hi, Carolyn: Can you help me articulate the difference between a consequence and a threat? I said to my family recently about a weekly event that we all enjoy but for which I do most of the preparation: “For the last few weeks all of you have been late, and I feel like the effort I put in is unappreciated and it’s disrespectful. If it happens again this week, I won’t do the preparation for the following week. You’ll have a week’s notice and I’ll help you all prepare, but I don’t want to put in effort that isn’t appreciated.”
I was calm and logical and yet … I was told I was threatening and choosing to interpret their lateness as a sign of disrespect when it wasn’t intended that way. I know their response involved guilt — they were all on time the next week. And I understand how they could see it as a threat. So what’s the difference?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: A threat is advance notice of the intent to punish or harm.
A consequence is the outcome of certain conditions.
You threatened a consequence. Understandably, it seems, since your family took you for granted.
I’d have advised something lighter and more concise: “Hey. I work hard at this. The least you ingrates can do is show up on time.” You still could have resigned as family drudge a few weeks later if the respect levels didn’t go up.
But since there are no do-overs, mine it for laughs at your own expense: “You bet it was a threat. Obey or feel my wrath.”
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
