Dear Carolyn: For the umpteenth time, my stepdaughter and her family arrived 45 minutes late for a family gathering, disrupting others who were just picking up their forks to eat dinner.
I feel she disrespects the time, planning, money, and effort required to host a sit-down dinner for 15 people, which only happens a few times per year. She never offers to bring a dish, clean up after the event, or host at her home.
She claims to have ADD, but refuses to get a professional evaluation. She has no hobby or career and is a stay-at-home mom. Weve gently advised her to budget and find some means of earning for herself and her children since she has repeatedly threatened divorce from her alcoholic spouse.
My husband, who raised her as a single dad, says, Your grown kids are so engaged with life; whats wrong with my daughter? but often excuses her behavior. My kids think shes a drama queen, but are kind to her.
Im no longer waiting for someone who is 40 and still calls herself daddys little girl to take more responsibility. Id just like to have some peaceful, enjoyable family meals. Strategies please. Colorado
Answer: If youre serving dinner at 7, then tell her 6; reserve seats for her family together at the end of the table, so if theyre late, the emptiness is contained; serve at 7 promptly whether shes there or not; and dont react when she still arrives after youve started. Hi everyone, glad you made it [no sarcasm], come dig in.
This minimizes the disruption and detaches your planning from her decision-making, which should do it for a peaceful-meals strategy.
I also unsolicitedly suggest a minimal-resentment, maximal-compassion strategy: A 40-year-old parent with no income, an alcoholic spouse, a possible disability, and no action plan beyond empty threats has much more serious problems than drama or being late for three dinners a year. This is an emotional house fire please dont let your main concern be that your tulips get singed.
Ultimately your stepdaughter must help herself and her family. However, some focus and compassion from you and your husband could light a path through the chaos: We are concerned about you; alcoholism is a complicated and destructive problem; will you let us help you find help? Be ready with names of good therapists who specialize in substance-abuse issues, and say youll pay the tab (if youre able and she isnt). This is intervention at arms length a respectful way to help where few such options exist.
Hi, Carolyn: A really good friend of mine is celebrating a milestone birthday by taking a cruise. A number of us have been invited, including my girlfriend. She felt it was pricey and that when people invite you to celebrate, usually they pay.
I want to go, but cant afford to pay for my girlfriend. Do I just assume she doesnt want to go and move forward solo? Or do I not go at all? Torn
Answer: Im thrilled if someone buys me socks.
It is perfectly fine and inclusive for a friend to plan a vacation and invite others to join at their own expense. Tell your girlfriend you plan to go and you hope shell choose to join you.
