Dear Carolyn: I am a white adoptive mother of four beautiful African American children of different skin tones. I also have two white birth children. When we go places, I am inevitably asked if we are a school group, camp, day care or what organization is this? I sometimes snap back with, Yeah, its this weird day care where I make the kids call me Mom and take them all grocery shopping. I also sometimes just ignore the questions. Usually, I just say, Its my family.
Then there are the still-nosier questions: Do they have the same birthparents? What country are they from? Were they born drug-addicted? Are their birthparents in jail?
These strangers are generally well-meaning and curious. But, they need to understand their curiosity doesnt need to be satisfied. Just because they wonder doesnt mean they should ask.
My children are listening closely to the things these strangers say. Can you think of a reasonable response to let people know I am proud of my children and my children are none of their business?
Rainbow Mama
Rainbow Mama: The drug/jail stuff gets an icy shiv of nothingness, I hope. Wow.
Otherwise you have the reasonable response, and in fact a beautiful one, in Its my family.
At the risk of sounding peevish, Id maybe tweak it to We are a family. But thats small stuff.
Either way, its powerful where your snapback, albeit funny, diminishes you.
Bonus: The beautiful answer takes on new meaning when doubled. For the nosies and especially the judgies, simply repeat, pointedly: We are a family. Translation: Back off.
Tripled, it becomes (with apologies to Judge Smails): You will get nothing and like it.
Hi, Carolyn! Im a 30-something and was raised to never show up empty-handed as a guest to anothers home. Ill usually bring wine, flowers or some other treat. Is this rule dying or dead? When I host, almost none of my friends shows up with anything, yet many of the same friends always ask me to bring something specific to their home (wine, a side dish, etc.). I find it pretty off-putting but would never say anything, and wonder if I am being old-fashioned.
Empty-Handed?
Empty-Handed?: I wouldnt say the rule is dead, but its getting starved of a lot of its justification as part of a larger rethinking of all things stuff.
Your impulse is generous, of course, which makes it timeless. But it also involves added consumption at a time when the virtue of using and accruing less is ascendant. Appropriately.
Plus, though its not reason alone to kill the tradition, wine-and-flower management can be extra stress for a host.
I hope our social hearts are big enough to accommodate the empty-handed, especially those who are conscientiously so.
I hope you can decide not to be put off by guests who opt out of gifts.
