Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband of 20 years died seven months ago. He had been sick, but his death was unexpected.
We had a decent marriage. We were not head-over-heels in love, and that wasn’t our goal. We were good partners in life. I want to say I loved him, but maybe I don’t even know what that means. I have not grieved for him. I am sad for him that he lost the chance to fulfill his dreams. But I have at most had 10 seconds of a sob.
I discovered right away that I really like living alone. I like experiencing the world through my own eyes with no thought of a partner. I like myself better single than in a relationship.
But still, I feel something is really wrong that I haven’t grieved. I am not a cold or unfeeling person. What in God’s name is wrong here? — Not Grieving
Not Grieving: Nothing. That you must be wracked with sobbing grief is from the Everyone Lives the Same Life playbook.
What you describe creates a coherent story of who you are, how you felt, what it meant, and where you are now. It’s an utterly credible arc of a decent person in a decent marriage that came to a premature end.
Maybe you feel you’re not honoring your late husband? Maybe you project this onto your eventual death, and wonder if anyone will sob with grief? Maybe, with this new information, you’re rethinking how you spent such a large part of your “prime” years? If so, there’s nothing wrong with a little uncomfortable scrutiny. But it really is okay to have complicated, counterintuitive feelings. We’re just trained to expect simple ones.
Re: Not Grieving: When my mother died, I did not cry once. I handled everything well and was actually angry at myself that I wasn’t broken up because she deserved my grief. Months later, a celebrity I only mildly liked died, and I found myself sobbing for a half-hour. Afterward I realized it was for my mother. I have this tendency I hadn’t yet acknowledged then. I tend to grieve by proxy. It’s weird. But after that sobbing fit, I felt better and realized I actually hadn’t been okay that entire time — I just thought I was. — Anonymous
Anonymous: Aw. And yes, it’s typical to have the emotions we can handle in whatever ways we’re able to handle them. So, think of shock, where it’s too much all at once so we shut down — but then slide it along the scale a bit to something less severe. You get through the memorial service dry-eyed, for example, but break down a week later in the frozen-foods aisle. Your story is right on that scale.
Re: Not Grieving: When I lost Dad, I didn’t cry. I felt empty and sucker-punched but still — didn’t cry. I just hunched my back and carried on trying to take care of the strange mess I was handed.
Just this week we got the diagnosis that my husband has kidney cancer, and he is facing having the “alien” removed and soon. I haven’t cried, I’ve just felt sucker-punched again. I’ve thought about, okay, so what IS down that road, do I stay where we recently moved, or do I move closer to kids?
But I haven’t cried. I’ve felt [angry], but no tears. It’s just weird.
I guess we all grieve in our very own ways and there is no right, no wrong, just is. — No Tears
