Dear Carolyn: My child is at college now. He/she calls us several times in a week. With my spouse, my child can talk for 90 minutes about absolutely nothing and they seem to enjoy it. When I answer the phone, the conversation is usually over in less than five minutes, because I cant imagine talking about nothing is interesting to anyone.
Any advice in how to fake interest in talking about the weather, etc., so I dont end up losing any future meaningful relationship with my child? Talking About Nothing
Talking About Nothing: Um.
You cant imagine what they talk about is interesting to anyone, as you behold the evidence several times a week that your child and spouse are interested?
You call what engages them and gives them pleasure nothing?
That attitude will kill your present and future relationship with your child, meaningful or otherwise, in less than five minutes.
You are not one for small talk, okay. Theres nothing wrong with that. The mistake is in dismissing the value of those calls to anyone just because the charms are elusive to you.
Their relationship, their connection, their bond, is the subject of every one of their conversations, regardless of what they actually say. Please see that, and show them a little respect.
Then apply the larger lesson to your approach to your child. If weather, etc., is nothing to you, then what, to your mind, qualifies as something? Are there any specific topics that fall under the something heading that your child finds as interesting as you do?
Is there something new to each of you that you suspect will appeal to you both, that you can suggest the next time s/hes on break?
Is there anything your child finds interesting that you could adopt as an interest of your own, like all those sports or drama or [specialized field here] parents who arent athletic or artsy or [so specialized] but become experts out of love?
The time you spend not talking to your child and harrumphing at small talk can just as easily be spent dismantling your own sense of superiority and building new ways to see yourself in your world.
You can also invest about two hours in getting a lifetime smarter about this, just by watching On Golden Pond. Its almost 40 years old now and its still the best argument Ive ever encountered for, with all due respect, not thinking the way you do about the minutiae of human connection. Its a masterpiece, and a model. Please give it a chance.
Dear Carolyn: I was unsettled about my sister-in-law (married to my husbands brother). She didnt do anything really wrong just a few things that showed she didnt really take into account the station of those around her.
Then I realized that what I found unsettling was her chameleon approach. She has numerous faces, all designed to present the persona she thinks the person shes talking to will like. I tend to nurture relationships with people who are themselves and partake in the big mess of life, so this was unusual for me in a close personal relationship. I really value a lot about her her warmth, kindness and generosity, her grit and what a good mom she is. But I always wonder who Im seeing. Uncertain
Uncertain: Sounds like a reasonable concern.
For what its worth, it also sounds like an optional one: Since shes an in-law, youre not deciding whether to have her in your life; shes in it as long as your marriages tie you together. Really youre just figuring out how much to trust her, and how close you (can) feel, and this development serves mostly to put an asterisk next to your friendship as you continue as usual.
