Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I ruined my sisters life the day I was born, which was cute back then, but were almost 50 now. Starting with childhood, most decisions I make (hair, clothes, musical instrument, sports, college, career, house, etc.) somehow ruin her day. She gets visibly upset, highly critical, and accusations of jealousy fly.
Im not sure why shes like this, especially considering my decisions have zero effect on her life. She lives her own life, and Im happy for her. (Really!) Weve never been close because my existence seems to annoy her.
Although we fought as children, as an adult, Im tired of it. I rarely see her, but when I do, I know another rage-filled mood swing is going to get hurled at me. Time for estrangement? I think Im there, but what do I tell my aging parents, who really want us to be close? Sister, Sister
You tell your parents youre sorry youre not able to give them this one thing they want so much. You will always keep trying, though a promise that will assure them and that you can reasonably deliver on. Because …
Trying can take many forms, one of which is to keep your distance as part of a peacekeeping strategy. See her on logical occasions to see her dont avoid your parents just because shes there and plan ahead not to stand for her tantrums. Be pleasant, be friendly, be kindly interested in her life, and when she turns on you, say, Im sorry you feel this way. However, I wont be treated like this, and leave. Every. Single. Time.
Let her fulminate at an empty room or the back of the door you just closed.
Reward the good, starve the bad. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
It might not work, but its your best shot and it keeps your family and integrity intact.
