Hi, Carolyn: My brother is in the process of getting a divorce, and my sister-in-law has a history of sharing her woes quite dramatically on Facebook. I have an account, my parents do not. I do not use mine anymore because it made me feel less connected in general, and I also wanted to avoid reading my sister-in-laws updates without cutting her off.
Now my parents want to know if my sister-in-law has been posting anything about my brother. Do I tell them to ask him? Do I go on Facebook myself, which is really an energy-depleter for me? Or do I open my account and let them look for themselves? Yuck. Working on My Boundaries
Answer: No, you do not have to look for posts you dont want to see, on behalf of people who arent you, about a relationship you are not in.
Thats your boundary. Its a good one to start with because its clear and its easily set by the truth: I dont know, I dont check Facebook anymore.
I suppose easily is not entirely fair. The challenge with boundaries is in the holding, not the setting. So, deflect them with the truth and with absolute confidence that you owe them nothing further. Besides civility. So when they follow up by asking you to check:
No, I wont do that. I wont get in the middle of this. They object, you politely exit the conversation.
And next time youre on Facebook for whatever reason, unfollow your sister-in-law. The trick to boundaries: Dont make more work for yourself.
