Dear Carolyn: Both of my grown boys have mental health issues, including addiction. The last few years have been challenging.
I recently found out one of my sons had a one-night stand with a woman he knew but was not in a relationship with. She got pregnant. I found out by text that I had a grandchild. I was stunned. She looks just like my son.
I have several problems. First, unprotected sex? Not telling his father and me when he knew this for nine months? Telling via text? Really?
I am fully aware alcoholism can lead to bad choices, but he was raised better and is smarter than that. I think shock and shame have prevented him from telling anyone except his father and me.
But here is my real problem: He wants nothing to do with this woman or the child. He says he “feels absolutely nothing” for his child. The woman says she wants/needs nothing from him, giving him the choice to be in her life or not. He has chosen “not.”
What about us? What if I want to be in her life? Not to mention how disappointed I am that my son isn’t even attempting to do right by this child. The woman has said I am invited to meet this baby anytime.
This is where I am now, paralyzed. My husband, good man, will go with whatever I decide.
How can I be in her life without him being in her life? Is it my job to force him to do the right thing? What if I get attached and the mother takes her away? What is best for that child?
— Ghost Grandma
Ghost Grandma: Wait — you’re “invited to meet this baby anytime”? Then go! Meet the baby. Be present, not pushy, and see whether you and the mom can find you a loving, respectful place in your granddaughter’s life. Figure it out as you go.
You say, “I have several problems,” and then list, “unprotected sex? Not telling his father and me when he knew this for nine months? Telling via text? Really?”
These are not your problems. They just are, and they’re behind you, and ahead of you is a baby. You are the adult who can manage the awkward conversations about your son or frustrating forms of communication or even a painful broken attachment if “the mother takes her away.” Babies, meanwhile, can’t have too much love and support. So go offer love and support.
Readers’ thoughts:
•My ex-neighbor has met his daughter once. His parents pick her up from preschool once a week to give the mom a break and get to know this awesome little girl. They just go with it. You can choose to be the bigger person.
•My wife’s favorite aunt has been a loving, doting, babysitting, very involved grandparent to her son’s child — without a relationship between her son and his child for many years. This can work. Just take having a grandchild as a blessing.
