Hi, Carolyn: It’s time to update my will. I am a widow, in my 70s, modest income, own my own (modest) home, never had my own kids, but have nieces and nephews. They grew up in a different part of the country, but I saw them for short periods during their childhood summers. We were affectionate then.
Now that they are adults in their 30s and 40s, I rarely see or hear from them, with one exception, “Mary.” Mary and I formed a close relationship when she came to my city for college. I did not get the same chance with the others.
Mary and her husband are the only ones with kids, and they have a disabled child who will probably always be a dependent. For this reason and, honestly, because we are close and I’d like to help with finances, I am thinking of naming her as my main beneficiary. I also plan to specify a charity, two close friends and my two siblings with more modest portions.
But family is family . . . should I include small portions to the five other cousins? I’m flummoxed. Friends I have consulted have said I am not being fair to the others because we didn’t have the same chance to form a close relationship, and that by only naming Mary I could cause family strain. The last thing I want to do is create problems. Your advice is welcomed.
— Updating My Will
Updating My Will: What you’re proposing is indeed fair, it’s just that you define fairness differently from your friends.
Mary and her husband are looking at a lifetime of medical and related expenses for their child. Is that “fair” or “unfair”? It’s neither, it just is — so earmarking money to help Mary with that financial obligation is one way to help balance things out.
Talk to your attorney about leaving money for the specific purpose of the child’s care, and find out about any limits and restrictions, etc. If you direct the gift, then it’s hard to see how the other nieces and nephews could call that unfair without sounding selfish. Assuming they would in the first place — not everyone is entitled or greedy.
Readers’ thoughts:
•Make sure you mention Mary’s child’s disability to your estate-planning attorney before you leave everything to Mary. You will want to be sure that, in case something happens to Mary, your gift doesn’t disqualify the child from any federal benefits or programs he/she may be entitled to by virtue of the disability.
•Be sure to actually consult with an estate planning attorney about this one and not just fill out an online form. The inclusion of a disabled child in the mix makes it worth the effort.
•Give whatever you bequest directly to the child with the disability, in trust. Anyone who objects to that is a total glass bowl. That makes it clear that while Mary may have been closest to you, the “fairness” is in supporting a person who cannot support themselves.
Write to Carolyn Hax at [email protected]. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
