Dear Carolyn: As a newly retired person who has raised three children alone I’ve now come to realize I obsess over time. There has always been a shortage of it, with mandatory overtime at work, a century-old home needing lots of attention and three active kids. I became a very “engaged” observer of whatever it was I was doing, how much time it took, its outcome on our lives, etc.
Now, though retired and especially lacking a schedule during the pandemic, I still have this internal judge of my performance and the time each decision requires and whether I’m using the time wisely or not.
I’ve practiced yoga and meditation for years, but it hasn’t improved this habit. Suggestions to unwind this clock?
— Restless
Restless: It took you many years and a lot of hard realities to get into this habit.
I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself when you expect to break it right away as a new retiree, especially under such anxiety-friendly conditions.
So it might help, as you wait for your softer new reality to form new habits, to trick this internal productivity clock of yours. Every morning or week or whatever interval works, figure out what feels like a reasonable goal to achieve. Nothing desperate, artificial or wheel-spinny — just satisfying. In some small way.
Today I’ll _____.
I want to start _____ by the weekend, so today I’ll _____.
I’ll do chores and yoga this morning to free the afternoon for _____.
This isn’t to make you busy again, just more focused.
But if busy isn’t the worst thing, then try on some longer-range, goal-oriented diversions, too — a craft, a class, a volunteer gig, a toe into waters you never gave yourself permission to test. Convince your inner critic that you have a purpose, or just engage your mind more reliably. Absorption in a project makes it almost impossible for minds to dwell on themselves.
Unscheduled time can be deeply relaxing or acutely stressful depending on how you approach it, and if you find yourself on the stressful end, that’s not because you’re broken or bad at relaxing. Leisure is a precious commodity; it makes sense to feel, at first, as if you’re squandering it unless you mill every moment into pleasure. It’s normal to feel unmoored by it all, too — especially coming off a phase when there was no leisure time to be had.
Nudging even small blocks of your time into a meaningful direction might be all you need to silence your inner critic. Or at least distract her for stretches long enough for you to get used to not hearing her voice.
