Hi, Carolyn: Is there a good way to communicate stuff that falls under the umbrella of “You’re not a parent; you don’t understand” without using those actual words, which I know people (rightly) find condescending and insulting?
I have a small child. My friend “Trixie” doesn’t have kids. She’s going through a rough time and wants a lot of social support in the form of quality time. Shopping outings, happy hours, and now she’s talking about wanting to go away for a weekend; my husband and kid wouldn’t be invited.
I’m game for some of this, but not all. I work full-time and cherish the three to four hours I have at the end of each day with my son before he goes to bed. Trixie thinks that since my husband is an “involved dad” (barf) and we have relatives in town who can help babysit, I must be thrilled and able to get away as often as she wants me to. I often find myself pushed toward expressing that as a non-parent, she probably doesn’t understand that I am not dying to escape my parenting responsibilities every night (as I imagine it must look to her). — Parent
Parent: There’s no good way because you’re holding the wrong umbrella.
This isn’t about Trixie’s not being a mom. It’s about her not taking no for an answer. You could be uncoupled and unkidded and still not want to drop your three to four hours to do _____ at the end of the day.
That’s the problem with the whole “as a non-parent” line of thinking. Your time and your autonomy over your time are not more precious because you’re a parent. You’re a parent and so that’s how you use your time, but non-parents are just as entitled as you are to tell their pushy Trixies to stuff it.
So please go that route: Accept the invitations you want to accept, decline the invitations you want to decline and, when pushed, explain to her that you are capable of making your own decisions and don’t appreciate it when she doesn’t take no for an answer.
Dear Carolyn: Is there a support group for spouses of depressed adults? How can a wife be supportive and helpful without becoming a micromanaging mother figure? How can she help his difficulties without infantilizing him? — In the DMV
In the DMV: I’m sorry. Illness really can bring disorienting changes to the marriage dynamic.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness — NAMI — has excellent programs for the families of people with mental illness.
Family to Family is a course that comes highly recommended, but the alliance also has support groups that could help both you and your husband: nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers. There’s also a help line for more immediate guidance: 800-950-6264. If there’s no NAMI chapter near you, then ask your primary care doctor or check with the nearest mental health care facility for support group listings.
