Hey, Carolyn: We’re one of those couples where all the “boxes” are checked: physical attraction; good, honest people; and we are supportive, gentle companions to each other and our families. But laughter is rare and sometimes it feels like neither of us can breathe from all the things we can’t think of to say to each other. Help!
I feel it’s just as likely that we’ll decide this stability is more valuable than whatever’s missing, or that we’ll end up in a painful, lonely breakup and truly miss how nice, calm and steady we had it.
— Stable
Stable: I think your courage died of boredom. Not to knock nice, calm steadiness. But those words should describe your emotional state, not your conversational one.
How gentle are you going to feel as the hours, days, years of finding nothing to say pile up? Any of us at any point can end up alone. Don’t fear it so much that you check the “I guess it’s the best I can do” box.
Dear Carolyn: I recently received a handmade wedding invitation from a friend who is somewhat of an ascetic. I like to give gifts for special occasions, and I think people deserve a nice present for a marriage. My friend has asked that instead of receiving gifts, she and her fiance would prefer a contribution to one of three charities they selected.
I would not have a problem “matching” the gift value with a contribution, but I really do not like the idea of not giving them a gift for themselves. Am I being selfish by “needing” to give them a gift? Are they being selfish to themselves (they are not rich) by not having a registry? What is the proper thing to do in this instance?
— Stuck on Tradition
Stuck on Tradition: I know when I receive a wedding invitation, it takes every ounce of strength I have not to go out and buy a toaster.
But find the strength on this one, please.
For one thing, the landfills will thank you for not burdening them with old, working toasters that no one wants just because they aren’t new, conjugal toasters.
For another thing, they don’t want you to buy them a toaster.
Since you asked about propriety: Couples who do request charitable contributions need to take care to save this request for when they’re expressly asked for their registry or gift preferences. Even compassion comes across as a shakedown when it’s annexed to the invitation.
But your proper role as guest is clear regardless: Respect the couple’s wishes (to the extent your values allow). If a couple prefers donations to a charity, then guests can give to charity, give nothing or give checks made out to the couple — which they can then donate, spend on themselves or fold into cranes.
I hesitate to add this, because I reject the whole premise, but: If your value system forces you to give objects, then choose something they can consume (wine, candles, stationery) — or store in an album (card, photo, poem about toasters).
