Hi Carolyn: My wife and I have a wonderful 3-year-old son. He likes to be held all the time. He weighs about 35 pounds. My wife is OK with holding him, but I dont want him to get used to being held all the time. At home he runs around but especially in new situations he likes to be held.
My wife is a stay-at-home mom so they spend a lot of time together. I think its important for him to walk but he constantly asks to be picked up. What should we do? Tired of Carrying a Toddler
Say yes when youre OK with holding him, and say no when youre not.
Thats not as simplistic as it seems: Its about you, the parent, taking control instead of ceding it to your boy. Which is everything.
If he has a tantrum at no, then calmly wait it out and/or remove him from the situation.
Keep things in perspective, too, by putting your fear to what I call the high-school test: How many (ambulatory) high school kids have you seen ask their parents to pick them up and carry them?
You dont need to get this exactly right. If you dont solve the problem, then time will solve it for you.
Obviously a high-schooler can be too attached or coddled and just show it in different ways than a toddler would. You do want your child to learn emotional independence.
But its useful to take a long view in getting your son to that goal, to keep things in perspective. You can put him down when youre tired. Your wife will put him down when shes tired or hes just too big. These will happen naturally and therefore will teach the lessons better than will a deliberate effort (under duress) to, say, preempt the spoiling you fear is happening under your nose. That is your fear, yes?
There are other ways to teach independence, too. Assign age-appropriate chores. Let him make simple, X or Y?-type choices about his clothes or snacks. Have him order his own food in restaurants as soon as hes able. Have him talk to his doctors as soon as able. Care how he feels but dont live or die by his moods.
And, teach him throughout his childhood to develop healthy, age-appropriate coping skills. His hesitation in new situations will probably stay with him long after hes too big to be picked up it could well be his nature so what else can he do when hes nervous? Role-play some options when the time comes. Keep gently introducing new things so he gets better at handling nerves and novelties. Admit that you get nervous sometimes yourself, and talk about ways you keep your courage up.
His being happily bonded to both of you, and your being happily and mutually affectionate with your wife, is the winning combination. Beyond that: Consistent, rational and comprehensive teaching as you nudge him toward independence will erase any expectation that, literally or figuratively, youll be carrying him through life.
