Dear Carolyn: Ive always had a warm and close relationship with my sister-in-law. Then, she had a baby, and everything changed. She seems to resent me if I talk about things Im doing for fun. Shell say things like, It must be nice to have that much free time, or ends conversations quickly if I mention a new hobby or somewhere cool I went. Shes also totally unwilling to socialize without bringing her now-toddler, despite having an involved husband and tons of available family to baby-sit. Ive specifically asked her to do something one-on-one with me, only to have her show up with the toddler, which makes it basically impossible to talk.
She knows Im happily child-free, but I try very hard to support her and be there for her however I can baby-sitting, bringing meals when she was pregnant and I try to be very affirming of her parenting choices, since I know it can be a hostile world out there for moms. I also try to keep our conversations focused more on her and how shes doing.
But when she inevitably asks me what Ive been up to, I feel like I cant say anything without offending her. It just doesnt seem like we have anything in common anymore. Will we ever be close again? Or is the child-free/child-having divide too much to overcome? Missing Sister-in-Law
Answer: It certainly isnt in general, though it may well be with her. Hard to say, since its such a personal thing.
One issue that is tough to overcome, almost universally so, is thin skin. Someone who takes offense no matter what you say is not capable of being close with anyone. Unless youre one of the rare ones who just speak their minds regardless, its simple emotional math: She takes offense frequently, so you learn to be vigilant in guarding what you say, so your close relationship gets replaced by superficiality. Its sad.
And, for her particularly, its a recipe for loneliness. Being the primary caregiver of a small child is one of the toughest times to find the energy to be a good friend, and one of the toughest times to become alienated from friends: The thing you need most is the thing you feel least equipped to cultivate. Its like depression in that way, and not by accident; your sister-in-law could, like so many other new and newish parents, be struggling with some degree of depression herself.
Either way, the contradiction of pushing away something badly needed comes through in your description. She sighs out a bunch of must-be-nice laments about free time, but doesnt accept free time offered to her by other caregivers? Hmm.
I think asking her about the mixed message, versus trying to game it out, is a chance to get a useful answer. It sounds like you miss your free time, understandably-slash-obviously. But it also appears youd rather bring Toddler than leave her home with Husband. You seem torn or am I misreading?
You can also answer her questions with a bigger answer: When you ask what Im up to, I feel uncomfortable. Im not sure what to say. Youre clearly making an effort to be sensitive to her needs; maybe now, give her a chance to tell you what they are.
Dear Carolyn: My daughters friend, who grew up in foster care, likes to call me Mom. I dont want to sound like a Meany McMeany, but I only want my daughter to call me Mom. I cringe every time her friend says the M-word, but I never correct her. I have been super kind to her by buying her things, making sure she has food at home and giving her rides from work. Should I just suck it up? Not Your Mom
Answer: I actually sucked in my breath reading this.
It is great that you have given material support to your daughters friend. But this person, who has no family of her own, is giving you the gift of love. If you can look at that gift in your hands and seriously feel annoyed that you cant exchange it for a different size or color, and if you think you can aw-shucks this annoyance using cutesy poo McLanguage, then I dont know what I can possibly say to you to change your mind.
Heart, I should say. To change your heart.
