Dear Carolyn: Both my brother and his wife were unable to have children, so they conceived in vitro using both a donated sperm and egg, though my sister-in-law carried my niece and gave birth to her. She is now a young teenager.
My niece has no idea she is not biologically related to any of us. They had originally planned to tell her when she was 8, but through the years my brother and sister-in-law have had serious problems, including alcohol abuse and medical issues, so the issue of telling my niece was left alone.
There are many people who know, including friends, family, co-workers, etc. My best estimate is 50. I know it’s not my place to tell her, but I am afraid she will find out and become distraught or develop horrible feelings of betrayal. She already has fought serious emotional issues because of her parents’ actions, and I’m not sure how well she will handle it, even coming from her parents.
My brother has been sober for a year, but they can’t come up with a plan to tell her, and the longer they wait the more hesitant they become. I’m not sure what I can do, but it makes me anxious. Even my children are asking when their cousin will be told. Any advice?
— Nervous Aunt
Nervous Aunt: Alienation, secrets, adolescence, alcohol — it could be the setup for a “What could possibly go wrong?” joke if it weren’t so achingly real.
But here’s the thing. Everything wrong with this scenario has already happened. Your niece is old enough and has been for a while to know a secret about herself that everyone knows but her. Everyone.
So it’s already too late.
So the main risk in your not intervening is that she will find out . . . too late-er?
It will be worse if she finds out from someone other than her parents, yes. But this is common knowledge, meaning the parents most certainly have it. Frustrating, but boundaries often are.
And while the magnitude of her potential sense of betrayal probably also grows with each passing year she goes untold — and the more years she has to look back upon as fraudulent when she finally finds out — that’s also information already at your brother’s and his wife’s disposal.
Plus, any improvement in the outcome from her finding out next week instead of next year would be, arguably, marginal at this point.
So please try to do the one thing that probably seems hardest right now: Let go. Lean hard on the reality that it’s not your household, not your secret, not your child. Counsel your children accordingly: “I know it’s heavy to know this. But it’s their family’s business. Our only job is to love her and stay out of it.”
Except for this: Any and every time your brother brings it up to you — ergo, invites comment — urge them to consult with a therapist and get this done. A session or three. They can get names from their (or any local) fertility clinic. It’s all the “plan” they need.
If your niece is angry at all of you upon finding out, own it: “I love you, and I’m sorry I let you down.” I, not we — times 50, I hope.
