Mom wants to push daughter to succeed

Dear Carolyn: I don’t want to be that mother. You know, the kind inappropriately invested in her kid winning, achieving, etc. But I have those tendencies, because I think I was raised that way myself.

How do I make sure my child lives up to her potential without hounding her to distraction? She is a smart, ambitious child. She has friends and interests. She knows how to stand up for herself. She is a feisty 12-year-old. But she still needs guidance, and I struggle on how to balance it. — The Tiger Mother in Me

Dear Tiger: Who says she has to live up to her potential?

What does that even mean?

Who defines it — your daughter, you, her peers, society at large?

And shouldn’t it be your daughter herself who “makes sure”?

I think the best way to cage your tiger is to make a habit of questioning your own assumptions about what’s good for your daughter’s future, until the habit becomes a reflex. I can’t see the impulse to “hound” a child surviving that process intact.

You’re fortunate; this is so much easier to do with a “smart, ambitious child [with] friends and interests.” She apparently doesn’t even need you to nudge her toward purpose, connections, fulfillment — allowing you the luxury of limiting your “guidance” to her ethics, manners and self-care.

Even with children who struggle socially or are prone to inertia, parental focus still belongs on ethics, manners and self-care; pushing toward achievement is about the parent, not the child. Parents of less driven kids just need to listen harder and watch more closely for what their kids want, need, need to be nudged toward — or away from — and what they will eventually pursue on their own.

Which is the point of all (healthy) childrearing, right? To equip kids to manage their own ambitions, their own emotional health, their own lives? So, tailor your guidance to that: “What tools does she need to do this herself?”

On the “winning, achieving, etc.” front specifically, often the most significant change you can make is as profound as it is simple: Let your daughter guide herself, until she needs or asks for your help.