Dear Carolyn: Three months ago I got engaged. My fiance is wonderful, we’re both thrilled and excited, and our families are, too. My mom is very excited to talk about wedding stuff, but she has a tendency to be kind of pushy and stubborn when she gets something in her head.
She has now decided I should want to lose weight for my wedding. The other day, she made a comment about how I should start dieting now to “look good for my wedding.” I thought it was kind of an offhand comment, but when I expressed to her that it was a stupid thing to say, she doubled down, saying I need to be a size 10, or even better a size 8 — which I’ve never been in my life — for my wedding. I’m currently a size 14. She says if I don’t lose weight, I won’t find a wonderful wedding dress.
My body image has been a big problem for me for most of my life. I developed issues as a chubby kid, and struggled with an eating disorder in my teens, until I sought professional help in college. I have been in recovery since then, but I still have a not-great relationship with food. And I did gain some weight this year, and am working on losing it through healthy eating and exercise, but the idea of a “diet” is toxic for me.
Both my parents and my fiance are well aware of this, or they should be. My mom feels that since I’ve been in recovery for 11 years and I never binge or purge anymore, it’s okay to push on this. I have asked her literally six times to drop the idea of me being a specific size for my wedding, but she will not. What’s my next step? — Not Dieting
Not Dieting: “If you mention my weight again, then you will not hear one more word about my wedding.”
Then stick to it and plan your wedding without her if she forces you to.
Your history promotes your mom’s behavior from obnoxious to monstrous. Don’t so much as respond when she mentions your weight. Ever. Hang up or leave the room. Some ultimatums are necessary and justified.
Congrats on your engagement, and I’m sorry your mother never got the help you did. She so obviously needs it.
Some reader support:
•I’ve been “plus size” all my adult life and found a gorgeous dress that was exactly right for me. I know that’s not the heart of the issue, I’m just saying it in case it helps keep away one worry. Oh, and DO NOT take your mom dress shopping. Take friends/other family. Hell, take me!
•I have a mom like yours. Your mom needs a reality check. Pronto. You’re going to be a beautiful bride just the way you are, and if your mom can’t see it, then she doesn’t get to help with the planning. Period.
•Holy crap, if my mother said that to me, she might not even be invited to the wedding.
•Wedding planning is stressful enough. And my size 22 derriere has found some lovely wedding dresses, your amazing size 14 self can definitely do the same, and shame on your mother for saying otherwise.
