Dear Carolyn: My daughter graduated from college last year; we are now looking into graduate programs. She moved back home at the end of summer. We have a split-level home, so we both have our “space” and share our kitchen.
She met a young man online and they get along well. After several months of dating, I realized he was staying at our home almost every night. Granted, he stays mostly downstairs in her living space.
I told my daughter I did not want to live with a young man, or anyone else. I said her boyfriend could stay at our home two nights a week and no more. I felt this was a generous offer. My daughter disagrees.
Neither pays for household expenses, which to me is not the issue.
Am I being unreasonable? It doesn’t matter to me that he is a nice guy, or that he is unintrusive, I simply do not want to live with another person other than my daughter. — Feeling the Pressure
Feeling the Pressure: “We”?
You’re both going to grad school?
I never want to overreact to a single word choice. However, that little “we” seems to capture all the discomfort and uncertainty you’re feeling about your role here.
Are you still the parent, still partly responsible for your daughter’s choices? Or are you a peer? Are you her roommate? Are you her landlord?
The answer to all of these is to varying degrees both yes and no, which I hope is reassuring on some level — because it tells you that you’re absolutely justified in having no idea where you actually stand.
But that squishiness is what you’re trying to build an agreement on with your daughter/fellow adult/housemate, so it’s no wonder it isn’t working. It is your house, yes, but your grown daughter also calls it home. Are you really going to give her a set of rules as if she’s a child?
Isn’t it time instead to ask her — and also expect her — to be considerate of your needs, and in return edit your wish list to some thoughtfully chosen points?
And if she chooses not to be considerate, to give her a move-out date?
Come up with that wish list by weighing your priorities carefully. Also consider what you would prioritize if you were the younger adult in this arrangement — then invite your daughter into a conversation about what each of you wants and can reasonably ask. Figure out, together, some reasonable limits, expectations and courtesies.
An adult who is told, “Two nights only” tends to chafe. An adult who is asked, “How many nights would be fair?” tends to try hard to be fair.
You also might want to slide the “landlord” answer more toward the “yes.” There’s a lot to be said for the clarity in your roles — two adults, one of them subordinate — that you both get from her paying her way, even just in part.
If you don’t need the money or your daughter can ill afford it, then keep the amount small and deposit it into a separate account, where it goes untouched until you either need it or surprise her with it as she moves out on her own.
