Dear Carolyn: I have a 5-year-old daughter in kindergarten, and I am just a wreck every time I see news about a school shooting. I know there are daily risks in life (getting in a car, etc.) but I am having a really hard time with the possibility that something fatal could happen to her at school. We live in a state where guns are prevalent and concealed carry is legal.
Id love to hear thoughts on how to deal with this anxiety (not looking to start a debate on gun control just trying to play the hand Im dealt). A Wreck
Answer: Throw facts at your anxiety, because it is in fact irrational. Something fatal can happen to all of us anywhere and does, eventually but the likelihood of any U.S. child dying by any cause is very low. When something bad does happen, it is typically accidental; you brush past the daily risks but the numbers are much grimmer for that car trip than for any school day. School shootings are more terrifying because theyre outside our daily risk tradeoffs such as, do we stick only to places we can walk, or accept the risk inherent in vehicle travel? just as stranger abduction terrifies so many parents into taking outsize measures to supervise their kids, when the risk is much higher in the mundane and in people we know.
The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker can help you assess risk based on fact versus emotion.
This is not to say school shootings should be treated as normal or acceptable; theyre far from it. I addressed only the risk-assessment piece; another piece is to challenge the hand Im dealt. Concrete, informed actions can be the best anxiety treatment there is.
Dear Carolyn: After years of infertility and two miscarriages, I just found out Im pregnant again. I feel numb, like I shouldnt get excited because I might jinx myself. Im also nervous. How do I stay the course until I can have an ultrasound and get a better sense of whether this pregnancy will stick? Nervous
Answer. You just get there however you can get there watch good movies and TV or read books to distract you, cook or go out for healthy things to feed you, talk to laid-back people to calm and support you. If weather permits, get outside somewhere beautiful.
Fingers crossed.
Dear Carolyn: My 25-year-old daughter has been really good friends with a 65-year-old man through a shared hobby. He is not your average 65-year-old he is somewhat ageless. He is also extremely respectful and accepting of all people. My daughter is also not like others her age. She relates to older people well and always has.
Recently, their relationship has veered toward the romantic, somewhat to their dismay. They both accept this has many drawbacks and may not end well. They would hate to lose their friendship over this. When she told me, I was very supportive because of what I see between the two of them. My husband is sort of OK with it too. I would like your take on this, though I am afraid to ask since you have not met either of them. Anonymous
Answer: Two adults? Love is love.
I am sorry to hear you were afraid to ask. I havent bitten anyone in months.
