Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My 9-year-old has a naturally loud speaking voice. You can hear him having a normal conversation anywhere in the house, and, like any kid, he often gets a lot louder. Spouse and I have both tried to get him to talk more quietly, and he tries for a while, then reverts. Spouse is highly sensitive to noise, and this drives them up the wall — to the point where it’s affecting their relationship. Any advice? — Anonymous
Anonymous: In the interest of expediency, I’ll skip me and jump to pediatrician and (maybe) neuropsych testing. Here’s why: Neurodivergent conditions are often hereditary. Noise sensitivity and noisiness are both, you may soon learn, on symptom checklists for neurodivergent conditions. So, your spouse and child may both have a thing that messes with their volume controls.
I am just a person here, not a medical expert, but I think it’s time to enlist one.
Readers’ thoughts:
• As a neurodivergent person, I have a couple of sets of earplugs. One reduces ambient noise, and one blocks out all noise. It’s really hard for people to adjust their volume long-term.
• I’d get the kid’s hearing checked, too. People with hearing disorders may speak loudly because it isn’t loud to them.
• Why not start with your child’s teachers? If your school is in the public system, you probably already have access to free assessments, in addition to the routine hearing screenings most pediatricians perform at checkups. Ask for a conference with the teacher and mention your concerns.
• Our youngest’s preschool teacher suggested we get his hearing tested because of his consistent inability to communicate at less than a shouting volume.
We took him to the pediatrician. The diagnosis: His hearing is perfect. He’s just loud. Much of his volume comes from his deep excitement and enthusiasm for any and everything he wants to share.
We have since learned he has ADHD.
Hi, Carolyn: My husband of 18 years has always been a backward-looking person, and often (almost daily) talks about things he regrets and wishes he could change. I have listened sympathetically. I’ve tried to gently prompt him to think about how he could use regret to inform future choices. I have also tried to (again, gently) point out that focusing on regret isn’t the most helpful or healthy thing to do.
Nothing has changed his outlook — which I get. But I would hope that maybe he could change the habit of ruminating with regret about selling his car in 2004.
Basically, I am at my breaking point and looking for a way to let him know that I can’t listen to his regrets anymore. It’s draining. I also feel like a jerk changing the subject or leaving the room when he starts up. Any suggestions? Thanks, and I regret not bringing this up sooner. — Regrets
Regrets: While I have nattered on repetitively myself about the limits on our ability to change others, I think you may have skipped the part where you get to say how you feel — and what changes you’d like to see (which others can then decide to make or not). So do that.
