Dear Carolyn: I would like to understand how people make new friends when they are in their mid-50s. Where are they going, or what activities are they doing, to keep friends to make and keep interesting friends? Whats the secret I have not learned? I believe I am flexible, adventurous, a good listener, creative, outgoing and fun. I am interested in their lives. I want to know: Why they chose the field they are in? Why they live in this area? What are their hobbies? Are politics important to them? What types of food do they like?
At the gym, people seem to be with people they know or working out by themselves. On group hikes, I have found people are with people they already know and do not seem to be interested in adding to their circle of friends.
Making Friends
Making Friends: The older I get and the more relocations I have behind me, the more I believe habit is the key ingredient. Go to the same things in the same general time window and stick with it. Obviously you need to choose the right thing, which might involve some trial and error; if its a place where everyones using ear buds, then youll never break through. But if you choose conversation-friendly group activities that meet daily/weekly/whatever and involve some kind of shared leisure, entertainment work and/or values, and then be patient,* then youre giving yourself the best chance youve got.
Theres a reason work and school are where so many people make their friends: Youre there day in, day out, over weeks and months and years, with a shared purpose. So those are the conditions to try to re-create.
I wont pretend its not difficult. And, sometimes it just doesnt work I dont know if some places are just unfriendly or there are times when the stars dont align right. But it takes commitment and reminders to self that just about everyone finds this tough.
*Years. Seriously.
