Dear Carolyn: My husband denies he’s gay but the sex stopped as soon as I said, “I do.” I thought it was me, and we had to see the fertility specialist to get pregnant twice. He hit 50 and became more obvious, and now I realize he is gay. He speaks in an effeminate manner, makes eyes at waiters, touches and bumps into males (even my friends’ husbands), and doesn’t make physical contact with me or other women.
I know my friends all suspect, and I worry about job security if he’s like this at work. I’m a stay-at-home mom and not leaving him, but I want him to stop being so obvious. How do I approach this? — Anonymous
Anonymous: His being “so obvious” is the least of it.
Those “touches and bumps” are inviting a harassment lawsuit or an assault charge, regardless of the sex of the people he’s bumping. It’s not about orientation or mannerisms; it’s about consent.
That’s not to say the extreme sexual neglect, the apparent baldfaced lies, the apparent secret homosexuality while wed to an unwitting hetero spouse, the disregard for boundaries, the two children in your home witnessing all this, your depleted self-confidence and your economic disempowerment are minor concerns. Each of them is significant and unto itself worth your exploring solo with a therapist.
So please do that, ASAP — if you have the means to, which I know not everyone does. And either way, start formulating a financial Plan B for you and your kids. Do this even ASAPer, if that’s a thing, even if you’re certain you’ll never leave. I may be overreacting and you may be fine, but this situation has a whiff of ozone before a storm.
And: Tell your husband you’re uncomfortable with how touchy he’s become with others. Say you find it inappropriate. Say you fear his job is at risk, or worse.
And … ugh. Tell him you are a real person with needs and feelings and a working BS meter and none of this is okay.
Dear Carolyn: Our group of friends switches turns eating dinner at one another’s homes. Four of the five couples eat most foods and one couple is vegan. When the four couples make food at our homes, we make both meat and at least one vegan dish, plus vegetables, salads. The food is always good. However, when we go to the vegan couple’s house, they make only vegan food. This does not sit well with some of the couples, who think they should at least prepare or purchase non-vegan food for others, since the non-vegan couples go out of our way to prepare a vegan dish.
They say they cannot cook any meat, cheese or other dairy products in their house as a rule.
One of the couples wants to stop making vegan dishes altogether at their house and the vegan couple can fend for themselves. This is causing a rift in our group. So how do we resolve this one? — Anonymous
Anonymous: Sweet holy beans. It’s not “vegan food” — it’s plants. Eat the plants your friends prepare for you. That’s how you “resolve this one.”
Pasta? Red sauce? Peanut noodles?
Heaven forbid, you eat a potato.
If you get woozy after three hours without animal products, then keep some jerky in your pocket.
