Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, I (a woman) became close friends with “Trevor,” whom I met through a shared passion for a certain political issue. His then-fiancée, “Veronica,” was supportive but not involved in activism, so I never had the opportunity to get to know her well, though we were perfectly friendly.
Last fall, I went to their wedding, and a few months later, I stayed up most of the night keeping Trevor company online as he pulled an all-nighter for a class. Veronica saw my post about it and blew up. Trevor let her read our entire conversation so she knew nothing untoward was going on, but it didn’t help.
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This is apparently not the first time she’d expressed jealousy of me. After a lot of fighting, Trevor gave in to Veronica’s demands and cut me off. He told me this would just be until she “cools off.”
Two months later, I reached out to him and asked for an update. He said he’d brought me up a couple of times and it didn’t go well, but he’d try again. We have a small convention coming up related to our activism, and Veronica wants to tag along, so Trevor gave her an ultimatum that she needed to get over her hang-up about our friendship or else they couldn’t go. After that conversation, she messaged me to say she didn’t want me to think she hated me and she was sorry she treated me poorly. I said I hoped we could start over and be friends, and she said she’d like that.
A couple of days later, I texted Trevor and asked whether we were cool now. He responded that they had fought and although she “legitimately feels bad,” she still didn’t want him to talk to me. He said he’d keep me updated.
Do I keep occasionally asking for updates, hoping to get my friend back, or should I just disappear and stop being a source of conflict in a new marriage?
— Female Friend
Female Friend: Disappear. If and when you see them organically, be friendly to both of them and move along. If and when they figure out their stuff, they know where you are.
You know you’re a source of tension, yet you keep reaching out to him: “Two months later, I … asked for an update,” and, “A couple of days later, I … asked whether we were cool now.” That, essentially, shows you prioritize having Trevor’s friendship over being his friend. Not to defend Veronica’s methods, but that might be what she’s picking up on with you. That and Trevor’s apparent sweet tooth for this intrigue-elicious marital subplot.
So flip it around. Prioritize being Trevor’s friend. Trevor’s friend would not knowingly stir up conflict in his marriage without a darn good reason, and “I like talking political shop with himmmm” is nowhere close to meeting the darn-good threshold. That means being scarce unless and until he reaches out to you. In an entirely aboveboard way, it goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway.
