We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I am the youngest of five sons and newly married. More than 15 years ago, my mom created a tradition with her first daughter-in-law of starting her a collection (figurines, special dinnerware). My mom gives the collectibles for birthdays, Christmas and Easter. She does it for all her daughters-in-law.
My wife is basically a minimalist. She’d prefer no gifts or gifts that are experiences or useful. She doesn’t even have a wedding ring. My mom asked her to pick a collectible, and my wife asked if it could be a theme like gardening or knitting (interests they share and can be useful). My mom refused; it had to be a figurine or dinnerware. My wife and I — individually — have thanked my mom for her generosity and explained that collectibles just aren’t her thing.
My wife didn’t choose a collectible. We’ve been married one year, and my mom has given my wife three pieces to a Christmas village. She expects us to display them all year long and is refusing to come to our house because my wife is being disrespectful and condescending.
The rest of the family is pressuring us to just please my mom, saying none of them like the collectibles either. Help! How do I support my wife and have a good relationship with my mom?
— Collectibles
Collectibles: You support your wife, and let the chips fall where they may with your mother. A normal, reasonable person would stop giving such gifts once the recipient tactfully said “Thanks, but no thanks.” Instead she has turned it into a battle of wills and control.
You need to step up and own this completely with your mother. This is not something your wife should deal with — this needs to be entirely your responsibility. If your mother doesn’t want to come to your house, that’s her decision. Don’t give in to her demands or you will never hear the end of it. Be polite, but refuse the gifts and any effort to guilt trip you. End the conversation any time she brings it up.
— You
Collectibles: My mom is an aggressive gift-giver who spends months painting Christmas village houses as gifts, so I know of what I speak. This is so easy. Ask for a physically tiny collectible — thimbles, coins, stamps, 45 rpm vinyl, vintage campaign buttons, interesting old rhinestone rings, antique bobbins, etc. You’re a little screwed that you didn’t speak up before the Christmas village — the most aggressive and hilarious option for your mom to choose, by the way — but there is probably time to reverse course. I say all this knowing your mom is in the wrong, but also sounds loving, and there is an easy, loving, win-win out for everyone here, so take it. If not, you might want to reflect on your own feelings about control here.
— Basement
Collectibles: It sounds like your Mom needs a (gentle, kind) intervention! She refuses to visit if she can’t see her beloved tchotchkes littering your homes? That is not appropriate behavior from an adult. Get the other family members to help (gently, kindly) explain this to your mom! Whatever occurs, the answer is not to give in to her transferred hoarding problem. If these collectibles mean so much to your mom, (apparently more than her ability to respect other people’s boundaries), she should be buying them for herself, and cluttering her own home with them. You could all offer to return these collectibles to her, and buy her a few display cabinets for good measure — if nothing else gets the message across.
— Family Effort
Collectibles: Your wife came up with a really good idea, but it didn’t work because mom wants to pretend she is giving other people gifts when the gifts are really for her. So, you pretend right back: Put the collectibles out when she visits, throw them in a closet when she isn’t there. If she arrives unannounced, then tell her they had to be cleaned. I’ve got relatives like this. This is the path of least resistance. The paths with lots of resistance have very little additional benefit.
— Pretend
