Dear Carolyn: How should I feel, personally, when extended family do not reply or do video calls during this quarantine? I do send them emails and texts. I’ve been reaching out to them for weeks.
I have lived most of my adult life away from them — moved to a different state at the beginning of my husband’s career. We have been married 42 years, and have a great, loving, supportive, financially secure relationship.
How should I take this when I hear of so many others having daily family calls and many group video chats?
I feel envious of all these others who are laughing and learning about their families, and my family won’t even connect with us.
We do visit a few times a year, and are going to retire soon very near to them. — Sad Isolated Sister
Sad Isolated Sister: Would the families who are tearing each other apart in over-close quarters, or feuding from distant locations for decades, make you feel better?
Our vague, generalized comparisons to others are some of the worst things we do to ourselves emotionally.
You don’t know all the backstory of these video-chatters.
You know your story. So, make the best of that.
And make the best sense of that, too: You’ve been on live-and-let-visit terms with these family members for decades. You were okay with that until you weren’t, right? So while it’s disappointing, it’s also not surprising that they didn’t all awaken to family yearnings at exactly the same time you did.
Instead of stewing in it, use your sadness — and your logic, that every family is different — as motivation to make more of an effort. Stay in steady but unobtrusive touch, no reciprocation needed. When it’s possible again, add an extra visit to your schedule. Say out loud that the crisis has awakened you to how much you miss everyone.
And, prepare yourself now to accept whatever response they have for you, even non-responses, even when you retire near them. Disappointment is hard, but living with the knowledge you quit before you tried everything? That’s harder. Sometimes those are the choices we get.
Dear Carolyn: My daughter, who lives 30 minutes away, is a nurse who works in covid-19 units, though with a full gown, face mask, gloves and shield. My spouse and I are in our mid-60s with no health issues.
My daughter will not allow us in her home or come into mine. All shopping deliveries by her are dropped off at the curb. We have been allowed to see her children outside across the front yard.
We have not been in a store since this all started and only do curbside pickup, if that.
