Dear Carolyn: I can’t seem to take what my friends want to give me (or not) without weighing what I have given them. And I am unduly depressed if they don’t measure up.
Recently, a friend had a serious illness. I sent her a gift and checked in on her occasionally. Subsequently, I had a serious illness, and she never even called. As a result, I obsess over her lack of attention, and I want to end the relationship.
I know this is self-defeating behavior, but I don’t know how to overlook what I regard as being slighted. — Too Demanding
Too Demanding: You don’t want everyone on Earth to be you, right? Same interests, same knowledge, same values, same responses to the same stimuli? Besides being incredibly creepy (nothing personal), that world would be achingly dull (nothing personal). No hurt feelings, maybe, but no surprises, either, and nothing to learn from anyone.
This is an obvious thing to observe and agree with, I assume.
Yet on an almost daily basis, I read mail from people very upset that others aren’t acting the way they themselves would act in a certain situation. You are hardly alone in your distress.
So my advice is to apply the lessons of my unoriginal global observation to the grainy business of getting along with the people in your life. You respond to sick friends with gifts and occasional check-ins, which is lovely. Some friends will think gifts and check-ins are annoying, though, and will tend the sick person’s garden instead, or take their recycling bins to and from the street. Some will care that you’re sick and intend to call but get sidetracked by a different urgent concern. Some run and hide because sickness freaks them out.
These different, pretty typical hypotheticals are all friends, remember, which means they chose each other for some reason or another. Unless the only reason you have friends is to get gifts and occasional check-ins when you’re sick, you value things about each of your friends independent of their caregiving skills.
This is where you can defeat your self-defeating impulses. Throw away your measuring system of comparing a friend’s actions with your own behavior, and instead, say out loud, “My friends are not me.” Write down what a given friend and that friendship have brought you.
Out loud, pen and paper, I mean it:
Conversation, companionship, laughs, a place to go on Fridays, patient sympathy, impatience that knocks you out of your ruts. Access to a great community you wouldn’t otherwise know. Openness to long talks one-on-one. Loyalty. An exercise partner, a bottomless source of good book recommendations. Fresh perspectives, rides when you need them, someone who never gets upset when you say the wrong thing. Someone who will die with your secrets.
We seek out whomever we need to get what we need. When you’re feeling doubts and disappointment, you can choose to override those feelings with trust in your competence at building your friend network. It’s always going to be a work in progress, build and rebuild, but it’s okay to step back sometimes to review and even admire your work. You chose that friend who ignored your illness! Because you appreciated her X, Y and Z. Recognizing what you value in people, even as you reassess and refine your expectations along the way, is a self-affirming act.
