Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I was telling my family what I thought was a funny story about my boyfriend (he was not there): Since we’ve been living together, every time I get sick, he starts complaining about being so much sicker. When I had tonsillitis, he suddenly was so sick, also from tonsillitis. When I had a UTI, he’s suddenly bedridden with a UTI.
Every single time I get better, he magically gets better, too, even though I was the only one taking the antibiotics, etc. When I had covid, he was SO SICK with the same thing, but even “worse.”
I was in bed for six days and he went to work the whole week and out drinking, but when he’d get home, he’d insist he was just as sick as I was.
My parents didn’t laugh as I expected. My dad said this means he’s willing to lie to me to get out of taking care of me. When I said he may not be lying, it may just be a form of hypochondria, my mom said that’s worse: This deep-seated need to one-up my illness is somewhat pathological.
Is this as big a red flag as my parents think it is, or just a weird quirk?
— I Thought It Was Funny
I Thought It Was Funny: That’s kind of your call. But from my safe little chair, I imagine being years or maybe decades into a marriage with this person and needing serious care — care like I have watched friends and family need, up close. Or, egad, having a kid with serious issues. And if my life partner responded to this by ignoring the real needs completely so he could take to his bed with an acute case of self-pity, then I might look back on this moment and ask, whyyy didn’t I take this “quirk” seriously?
Think about it: responds to need by “needing” more himself. Wow.
Thank your parents for saying the awkward thing, and yourself for daring to listen. Now keep going and ask why you missed it till now.
READERS’ thoughts:
∙ He said he had covid yet still went to in-person work and socializing? He either lied about having a highly transmissible virus or he deliberately exposed his friends and co-workers to said virus. Don’t let the door hit him on the [butt] on the way out.
∙ Always the same illness you have? Tonsillitis? Walk away over his lack of imagination.
Dear Carolyn: Over the last few years, I have been dealing with chronic pain and other health problems. Whenever these issues come up in conversation with a group of old friends, a couple of them give me unsolicited health advice: Have you tried yoga? Have you tried turmeric? Have you tried essential oils? The list goes on. This “advice” is often uninformed, bogus, untested and/or derived from social media. I’ve tried saying, “I appreciate the thought, but I’m not looking for advice.” But that doesn’t seem to get the message across. Lately, I’ve just stopped sharing altogether, but these are old friends, and that feels lousy. Is there anything else I can say?
— Stopped Sharing
