We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My brothers and I lost our mom five years ago. For a while, we stayed in close contact with her husband. (He is a stepdad to one of us, and the older two were out on our own when they married.) We’ve all taken turns initiating contact, but he never does. We’re wondering if it’s because we remind him of our mom, which brings up feelings he’d rather avoid. He’s always been very uncomfortable with expressing, or even being around, strong feelings. When we do call, he seems to enjoy it. We have long chats, and we have stuff in common. But it usually isn’t long before his negative outlook creeps in. It makes the effort to nurture the connection more challenging than just the fact he doesn’t reach out to us. I do my best to keep it light, but it’s generally pointless. He is who is, and losing Mom the way we did (a stroke) was hard on all of us.
We don’t want to abandon him, but we don’t want to bring up painful memories that bum him out, either. He’s not tech-savvy, so he doesn’t use email or text. We’ve tried (oh, how we’ve tried) to encourage that, but he’s stubborn. He just can’t be bothered and says, “I’m too old to learn that stuff.” We’d like to stay in touch not just because our mom would want that, but because we care about him. I am fairly certain if we asked, he wouldn’t be honest about how he feels because he wouldn’t want to hurt OUR feelings! Any suggestions?
— What’s Next?
What’s Next?: I would say keep calling, since you have pleasant conversations. I lost my husband, and I was grateful beyond words for his friends who continued to call me and still call me on a regular basis. For the first few years, I felt like a pity case, but we developed our friendships through weekly or monthly phone calls and occasional visits. I would never have called them those first years because I had trouble seeing through the black hole of grief. My husband died over a decade ago, and I am so thankful I was able to stay in touch with people who knew him well and weren’t uncomfortable taking a stroll down memory lane.
— Grateful
What’s Next?: Instead of asking, “Do you want us to stop initiating contact because we remind you of Mom?” or another question that might cause him to evade the truth for fear of hurting feelings, frame your question differently. Try something like this: “I’ve noticed you seem uncomfortable with our phone calls sometimes, and you’ve already been clear that staying in touch via tech is not something you want. I care about you, and I don’t want to abandon you just because Mom is gone. So what works best for you for staying in touch?”
It’s possible your stepdad just has a higher threshold for missing people and reaching out than you and your sibs do. This could be why you’re always initiating and why he eventually lets negativity creep in. It could be that he feels awkward not because you remind him of painful memories but because he feels like he barely knows you (the ones who were adult when he came into your mom’s life). Maybe he doesn’t really understand why you feel the need to keep reaching out or what you expect of him.
Give him the chance to say what he needs/wants from you in terms of frequency and method of staying in touch. It sounds like he enjoys the phone calls, but maybe he would be happier if they were shorter, or less frequent. It’s possible he’d prefer fewer “check in” calls in favor of a visit in person once or twice a year.
Be open to trying out different options until you find something that works better for both of you. And encourage your sibs to do the same.
— Introvert
What’s Next?: The real concern in your question seems to be that he never initiates contact — not that he doesn’t appreciate your efforts. Change your expectations because it is unlikely he will change his ways.
Please consider reaching out and maintaining contact via old-fashioned snail mail in addition to your other efforts. Send a quick note every few months, even just once or twice a year. Give him the opportunity to feel your love but not feel the obligation to interact. He will appreciate it.
— Been There
What’s Next?: There are people, in my experience, who don’t reach out to others the way I would like or expect. There may be many reasons for this. I realized when I did reach out and we visited, my friend or family member seemed genuinely happy with my company and appreciated our time together. I decided that because I treasure my relationships, I will make the effort as long as I have the ability and they are engaging when we connect by phone or in person. The thought of regretting not reaching out to keep a valued connection with someone who is part of the fabric of my life is much more of a burden for me to carry. I hope you will continue to reach out. Life is too short.
