Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My mother-in-law, 71, has always suffered from severe anxiety and hasn’t honestly admitted this to herself. She now has a serious health diagnosis where she’ll be undergoing treatments and facing scary diagnostic tests for at least the next few years.
We’re struggling with how to support her because she usually is extremely negative and assumes the worst. She gets irrationally upset when I try to be positive. I’m especially worried because I know positivity has proven medical benefits. — Managing Relatives’ Negativity
Managing Relatives’ Negativity: Not if it upsets her! Just listen to her and, when there’s a gap where you’d normally jump in with something positive, reflect back to her what she’s saying. Or ask. Or make sympathetic noises. Anything but pushing the opposite of where she is.
Her thing is to go to the worst case, and you’re not going to change her. It’s also not your place to correct or “manage” her. Maybe she wants to verbalize the worst to get it out of her head, or self-soothe with it. Who knows?
This is not going to be easy, obviously, on any of you. But people who respond to blowers of sunshine by getting upset aren’t necessarily “irrational” in their outlook. It’s like people who are dismayed about a bad date hearing, “You’ll meet someone!!” It’s not necessarily true they will, and they know that, so it can feel invalidating.
Instead of finding fault with where she is, meet her there nonjudgmentally and out loud. “Yeah, I hear that you’re feeling anxious. I probably would be, too. Is it helpful if I just listen, or would you like my opinion, or do you want to talk about something else?”
The solution to negativity isn’t positivity; it’s warmth.
Re: Negativity: Thank you for being empathetic with the upset mom. Insistence on positivity can feel like invalidation to a lot of people with challenges, and it can be why people don’t reach out to others for help. Allie Brosh makes it pretty accessible in her comic about her depression.
You’re exactly right that most people being negative just want to be heard and validated. It’s uncomfortable for many people in our culture, and it *is* work. If possible, helpers might want to schedule breaks for their own self-care after tending to someone with mental health challenges. — Anonymous
Re: Negativity: Please, please stop with the toxic positivity. You are diminishing your mother-in-law’s experience. Listen to her. Help her find others with the same diagnosis. But, please, stop telling her to be positive.
Hi, Carolyn: I have been in therapy for seven years. It’s been fantastic. I was in a long, emotionally abusive relationship. My partner wouldn’t go to couple’s counseling, so I got into therapy and eventually found the strength to end the relationship. I’ve moved to a new city and have never been happier.
I’m a gay man, and my therapist seems uncomfortable talking about my sexuality. And frankly, I’m sheepish about talking about my sex life with a straight woman. I’d like to explore this part of my evolution with a gay male therapist. But I’m not sure if I’m giving my current therapist enough of a chance, or what I “owe” her regarding “giving her a chance” vs. having a therapist who already “gets” my sexuality. Any advice? — Never Been Happier
Never Been Happier: This is your treatment. You don’t owe anyone your business.
When you’re ready to move on, feel free to say why — she might refer you to someone — or just thank her sincerely for her life-changing work, and move on.
