Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My 40-year-old daughter, “Jenn,” has been working with a therapist and has just shared with me that she was sexually abused as a child by “Henry,” a family friend. Worse, Henry is my husband “Roger’s” BEST friend, like, since kindergarten. Henry now lives on the other side of the globe and Jenn and I have no contact with him, though Roger is in touch and treasures their friendship.
Jenn feels she has to tell Roger about the abuse, and her therapist agrees. I am a childhood sexual assault survivor myself, and I believe Jenn, but I am strongly convinced Roger will not. Roger is not emotionally strong, and ours has been a difficult marriage, though we have been in a good place for some years now. I don’t want to jeopardize that.
On the one hand, I love Jenn and I’m devastated by what Henry did to her. If it were possible, I’d fly to the other side of the globe and rip his head off myself. On the other hand, I know this disclosure would cause untold pain and possible estrangement in our small family. What is the best way forward?
— To Disclose or Not Disclose?
To Disclose or Not Disclose?: If you prioritize your living-room harmony over your daughter’s peace of mind, then your relationship with Jenn may never recover.
The “untold pain” is not a possible future — it’s a present-day fact for Jenn.
There’s no painless option here. There is only choosing which peace you want to keep at the cost of which pain, then living with those consequences. Which may include Jenn’s estrangement from you if you choose to stand by your husband’s friendship at Jenn’s expense instead of standing by Jenn at the friendship’s expense. If you choose to prioritize your “good place,” knowing it strands Jenn in her bad one — which could get worse for your snub.
Especially given your painful history, I recommend a therapist of your own to walk you through this.
Re: Disclosure: Disclose to Jenn — choosing your words very carefully — that you are concerned Roger may not respond in the proper fashion.
Note I said his response would be improper versus saying he “won’t believe you.” Make it clear you are saying this to inform her and that it is not a request for her to not share with him.
It is Jenn’s call whether to share with Roger, and it is helpful for her to have knowledge in making that decision.
Keep whether it will hurt your life or Roger’s out of it. That is your problem and Roger’s problem. It is not Jenn’s problem. The “hurt” is due to what Henry did. Not the result of Jenn sharing what Henry did. Try to remember that.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Excellent points all, thank you.
