Dear Carolyn: My father recently said he wishes we were closer, like I am to my mom, and asked me if I blame him for their divorce. I truthfully said no.
But haven’t told him the real issue: As soon as I turned 13, he became really dismissive of me. Anytime I got angry, he’d turn to my mom and ask if I had my period. He never wanted to hear what I was reading, thinking, who I had a crush on, what my friends were saying, anything about my life. He’d sit and listen to my brothers for hours about their teenage lives, though.
If anything I caused less trouble than my brothers, but he acted as if I were an airheaded, emotional teenager 24/7.
Now that I’m 23 and have a job he can relate to, he suddenly acts like I’m an actual human person who has ideas and thoughts worth hearing. It’s insulting.
Should I tell him all of this? Is there any point? — Oh, Now I’m a Person!
Oh, Now I’m a Person!: There is: It might be therapeutic. And, it’s probably your only chance of getting closer to him: Intimacy demands confidence that you can be honest with each other, which means not holding back anything this significant.
There’s no guarantee honesty will fix things, but it sounds as if you want to try.
So yes, tell him, but not “all of this” as presented.
Here’s the issue: Your account mixes in projections that could undermine your effort emotionally. “As soon as I turned 13, he became really dismissive of me” — that seems pretty straightforward, as does, “Anytime I got angry, he’d . . . ask if I had my period.” (Yikes.) These are based on your father’s own words.
But then you say, “He never wanted to hear” about your life. That is a projection. You don’t know what he wanted. He could have felt, for example, awkward and terrified around you when you hit puberty.
That doesn’t excuse his neglect while doting on your brothers — that part isn’t a projection, you witnessed that — but if you provide a reason that doesn’t jibe with his real one, then he could defensively reject what you’re saying as untrue even though 90 percent of it is accurate. You could then get angry at him for rejecting your account of your own childhood, and quit trying to reconcile.
Another projection is that his suddenly seeing you as “an actual human person” is about your job.
You might be 100 percent right. But you’d be deducing correctly, which is not the same as knowing. So don’t say what you don’t know.
Instead, stick to the facts, and pose the things you don’t know in the form of questions. For example, describe what you witnessed and how you felt — facts — then ask him to explain the why.
Re: Being a person: My dad did the same when I turned 21. I told him the facts: He didn’t want visitation or to pay child support after my parents divorced, he was abusive to us both physically and emotionally, etc. He hung up on me and never contacted me directly again. So, be honest, but don’t expect he can meet you where you are. — Anonymous
