Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My entire view of my family has changed. One of my siblings did a DNA test and found out that our father produced two children with a woman who worked for him. One of them has been reaching out to me and obviously wants to develop some type of relationship.
My other siblings want nothing to do with her, so I am the only one who has had contact with her.
I realize my half-sibling did nothing wrong, but for me she is a reminder that my father cheated on my mother and did so for a long time. I have so many conflicting emotions about this, about my newly discovered half-siblings but especially about my parents. Both died before DNA science made it impossible to keep secrets like this.
— Conflicted
Conflicted: There is no reason you can’t tell this to the half-sib who keeps reaching out to you: “I realize you did nothing wrong. However, I have so many conflicting emotions about this, especially about my parents. I would appreciate some time to deal with this on my own before I decide on any next steps.”
Re: Half-sibs: My father was a philandering SOB (except they called it “charming playboy” back then). I know of two half-siblings and have met them; I would be shocked if there weren’t more. But I’m not interested in knowing about them, let alone meeting them. I don’t have mixed feelings or conflicting emotions. I simply have no interest in these “relatives” by blood only. And that’s okay. Don’t feel obligated to meet, get to know or exchange information with technical relatives.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Yes, thank you. The full range of acceptance is defensible, from zero to a full long-lost sibling embrace.
Dear Carolyn: I recently discovered my partner developed feelings for someone he works with, and they hung out several times one-on-one when I was out of town. He has agreed to stop hanging out with that person one-on-one, and for now that is the main boundary I want put in place.
What steps do you advise I take to not be constantly paranoid and itching to check their texts, nag about their whereabouts all the time, etc.? It is exhausting for me, and I want to start trusting my partner again.
— Trust Issues
Trust Issues: What you do will only make sense if you understand the “boundary” and trust are two entirely separate things.
It’s actually a rule, telling your partner, “You can’t date this person anymore.” A boundary is personal: “I’m not okay with my partner’s dating crushes while I’m away.”
The rule stuff is all you — the declaring, nagging, (fruitless and paranoid) checking up. The basis for trust is all him: Does he want to stop seeing the co-worker and stay with you?
