Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband recently acknowledged that he really needs someone to talk to about his mental health, which is a really important step, and I commend him on that.
But now it feels as if he’s stuck and can’t seem to take that next step. I want to talk to him about it but can’t figure out how not to sound as if I’m nagging. I’ve casually asked whether he’s found someone, and his response is always that he’s super busy at work and doesn’t have the time.
I know he’s busy, but he finds time for lots of other things. I absolutely don’t want it to seem like I’m criticizing him.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: There are three fairly tall obstacles between someone struggling with a mental health issue and getting into therapy:
1. Admitting you need help. Good for him, he cleared the tallest one.
2. Actually starting to look. This is a deceptively difficult process and can get overwhelming in the first few minutes. Where do you start? How can you tell whether someone is good? Will insurance cover it? Do I just make an appointment? Is there anyone I can ask without giving up my privacy? Doesn’t anyone answer a phone?
3. Finding someone who checks enough boxes. The main box lately is “taking new patients,” because demand has spiked, supply is relatively fixed and graduate programs don’t add a third shift so they can churn out more clinicians.
No. 1 is entirely the work of the person feeling unwell. Nos. 2 and 3, though, have room for a helper to pitch in.
You can offer to do the legwork of finding a therapist for him or producing a short list for him to choose from. Someone who isn’t in crisis can do this faster. There are therapy-finding suggestions on my resources page.
This is not “nagging”; it’s a lifeline. “You’re busy. This isn’t pressure, it’s a solid offer: Let me take this off your to-do list. I’ll make calls. Good?”
Also: If you can temporarily assume other tasks for him as he tames his stress, that would be an act of good faith. As in, “This is yours to solve, I understand, but I’ll clear your path to solve it.” You don’t want to stay in emergency mode — you risk your mental health if he never resumes carrying his share — but you can use it in bursts to alleviate pressure.
I hope it works out soon, so you dodge the even harder questions that come next.
READERS’ thoughts:
• I just want to express my sympathy. When my spouse first realized he needed to see a therapist, he took a long, long time to actually get down to finding someone. I did something similar to what Carolyn suggested, only I didn’t ask beforehand. I printed out a list of providers from our insurance website and gave it to him with a short note that I could help call people if needed. I also tried to take some household stuff off his plate while he struggled. I didn’t say I was doing this, just … did it. We are about six years past that point and he is doing well, but I have also learned to follow the adage of putting your own oxygen mask on first.
