Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband of more than 30 years died six months ago. I am just getting through the days, 15 minutes at a time. I go to work. Feed the pets. Do it well enough. I have a grief counselor. I have a grief group. My friends, co-workers, etc. seem to want me “to get over this already” — with kinder words, but that is the gist. “He would want you to be happy,” or, “You are doing so well,” but not really; faking it is an exhausting part-time job. I would love some language that isn’t: “Everything is horrible, and I don’t imagine it ever getting better. Thanks for asking.” — Grieving Still
Grieving Still: “I would want me to be happy, too! But it’s going to take whatever time it takes.”
That’s one possibility as an opener. Bounce what they’re saying back to them, then note that it will take as long as it takes.
That can be an opener or something you repeat, up to you. If they persist, or if you prefer: “I know you mean to be kind, but it comes across as saying I’m somehow doing this wrong.”
This is all for people who are close enough to you to warrant a let’s-fix-this-now conversation.
For people who say clueless things in more casual encounters, try, “I’m doing my best,” “I’ll keep that in mind,” “Thanks for your concern” or a more pointed, “I have my own pace.” All are exceedingly polite ways to suggest they fluff off with their nosy selves.
Here’s the thing. Two things. People often don’t know how to deal with death, and when they don’t, they often act (unwittingly) to make themselves more comfortable — even if it is (unwittingly) at the expense of the person grieving. So, basically, they’re not sure what to say to you, so they want you to make it easier for them by getting! Better! Already! Thus the in-due-time family of answers: They’re a way to say no, I will not accelerate my grief to make you feel less awkward. Or just not engaging on the merits at all, because there aren’t any; there are only well-meaning flailings. “Thank you for your concern.”
If you have charitable energy, then you can also help them: “I know it’s awkward. I’ve found, ‘[Helpful thing to say],’ really helpful to me.” My sincerest condolences.
Readers’ thoughts:
· First, I am so sorry. This was a major relationship for a major portion of your life. I see nothing off about still grieving after six months, when you are actively functional and getting done the stuff that needs to get done. But can I offer you this, for those who think he would want you to be having fun, etc.? “Yes, I’m working on it.” Validates that you want to get there eventually, doesn’t commit you to doing it tomorrow.
· Check out Nora McInerny’s podcast, “Terrible. Thanks for Asking.” It helped me a lot after my mom died, when I felt as if my feelings would never go away. People don’t know how to deal with other people’s grieving, so they make awkward statements at best.
