Dear Carolyn: I recently told my partner that sex has never been as good as sex with my ex. I was angry and I wanted to cause hurt and I said it. Maybe I enjoyed saying it, too. It made me feel sexy.
But now I regret it. My partner has not enjoyed having sex with me since. We keep trying, but it always falls apart, of the assumption that, during sex, I am thinking of how I would rather be with my ex.
Is there a way to fix this? — Angela
Angela: Here’s what I hear: You are OK with hurting your partner on purpose, but not with your own actions backfiring hard enough to hurt you.
That’s not even it. You enjoyed hurting your partner. On purpose. Until it cost you in bed.
That’s exactly what’s happening here, by your own description, and it’s abusive. You are abusing your partner. You’re not upset that your partner is hurting or that you caused it; you’re only upset that you overshot and caused so much pain that it’s ruining your sex life.
The “way” to “fix this” is for you to understand that being angry or upset does not give you license to hurt people — whether you’re responding (reacting) to a real offense or a perceived one. Because there is no license to hurt people as punishment or release or whatever self-gratification you were after.
Actually, I’ll back up further: The fix starts with finding and addressing the source(s) of anger so intense that it moves you to hurt the people you purport to care most about. It’s really two processes that brought you to this point: wanting to hurt your partner, and thinking it was okay to do so. Both of these are deeply unsettling, possibly linked to your own emotional injuries, and best seen to under the care of a therapist.
Until you neutralize your cruel impulses, your partner is not emotionally safe with you — and will behave accordingly, which includes not trusting you enough to let go and be vulnerable during sex. This is a natural consequence of your behavior. A breakup is another natural consequence, one I would advise your partner to consider seriously — certainly if you’re not serious about getting help and getting well.
In the meantime, assuming you mean it — and aren’t just looking to salvage the sex — you can apologize. You can also demonstrate your sincerity by being honest about why you said what you did and how you felt when (not after) you said it. This information empowers your partner to make informed decisions, which is an important antidote to the disempowering effects of your cruelty.
I write all of this with full awareness of the supply shortages in mental health care and the potentially prohibitive costs. But I am also not comfortable responding to cruelty with, “Hey now, stop being all abuse-y!” Open Path Collective is one option for finding providers who offer a reduced rate and are accepting new patients. (Vetting them is up to you.) I have other suggestions on my resource page. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also can steer you to the right counseling resources if you tell the truth.
TL;DR: The only true fix here starts within you — and you both stand to suffer if you don’t work on this soon.
